#there isnt an operating table apparently

[axellis-archv-2]

hey *takes what was supposed to be just a visualization in case i ever wanted to draw overhallidays place in the future and then spends 4 hours on it

[richardsphere]

Leverage Redemption Log: The Pyramid Job

Well either we're going to Egypt (not in the budget) the louvre (not in the budget) or a Bass Pro Shop (in the budget, unlikely). That or its an MLM. --- Woman is telling her MLM bosses about how she needs to leave the MLM. They tell her success is definitly on the way.

Huh an MLM that has a return policy. (i mean its definitely a shit policy that scams them but thats better then most MLM's)

And they reverse psychology the woman back into the pyramidcult. --- Scene opens with a person in an old london flat-cap getting thrown into a container of hay by Elliot. (this guy is so london that i'd be suprised if this doesnt somehow tie into the "Sophie Backstory" that is being slowly woven into the season-arc.)

Pick London Tweeds pocket full of diamonds, fund a school, pay off debts. Denouement for an off-screen adventure.

Huh, im right. Its just not the same guy but this "Billie the Gent" fellow is also wearing a flatcap (and this guy is even wearing something tweed-like) So i assume this scene is taking place in a London warehouse (the beautiful thing about warehouses, they're pretty standard regardless of geographical location. No need for expensive on-location shots)

Billy is worried about his daughter (she was a baby when Sophie sent him and Arthur to prison)

Elliot dated someone who bought the product.

Billie is doing a bit of a guilt trip, and Elliot doesnt trust him. So expect a third-act betrayal of some sort. --- Con starts in-medias-res. Breanna is an accountant. She does not like how much firewalls they've put around comic sans slideshows of babies.

The point of the Con (at least for now): Get a virus on the server. Automated "return true" to all attempts at a refund.

I dont think that the people working at the datacenters of an MLM are usually in the "level"-based structure. So we need a Diamond key... well if they're all on the funky little wristwatch-drives like Saphire here has? Thats a simple Parker Pickpocket. (seems that she's thinking along the same lines).

Also daily, streams from the boss bitch? Thats gonna make a return, and knowing the standard Leverage MO: That is gonna be her Confession Cam

Sophies scheme for Richard: Divide and conquer by convincing him he needs some more Toxic Masculinity in his life. But like, only a smidgen. So its a Harry job, not an Elliot.

--- Sophie arrives at the cult-fundraiser thing. (Parker is in situ as waitstaff) Thank god this show is willing to drop the C word. (Cult. Though though the other one might be apropriate as well) Ok so apparently the company just steals downlines whenever they want?

Richard exists stage to let Debra shine. Do some pseudo-inspirational brainwashing. We have found Billies daughter Miranda. Parker offers up the Venezuela Protocol. --- Operation Bromcom is initiated. I do not like the Tom Selleck stache on Harry.

Bromcom makes it into Phase 2 no problem. --- Debra reads through Sophies accent and really puts her on the spot, also she puts the spots on her. Cut for comercial as if Sophie doesnt have an earpiece. --- Ok we're not even bothering with the earpiece, Sophie is just gonna StageCultBS her way out of this.

But yeah Debra is onto Sophie. Which isnt really a problem? (Sophie is only here to keep an eye on Miranda and create an opening for Parker to do her thing. Being in the spotlight is kind of the point) --- Back with Breanna, Saphire very much is starting to see the dawning light Re:Pyramids. It's far from noon yet but its definitly twilight.

Ronald has a real "they've got skulls on them" moment when he sees the Teletubbies sunbaby on a giant pyramid in the logo. --- Sophie has Parker feign a pregnancy. (she named the kid after Hardison)

And we've just (temporarily) screwed over Miranda. (look there are no stakes here)

Seriously how many glass pyramids are on this table Miranda is standing at?

"I dont have a tissue but you can use my sleeve". 10/10. Well looks like Parker has succesfully convinced Miranda to leave. --- Meanwhile Billy is talking on the phone with someone in a foreign language. Meanwhile Elliot, not involved in our Con, is keeping tabs on Billy. Turns out Elliot can see a narrative throughline when its in his face and is gonna punch it out of Billy before the concequences of Sophies past come to blow our heroes' faces off. --- Back with Harry, Parker tells him to play the "manly emotional insecurity card". ("If only my dad had been able to tell me he was proud of me when he was still alive") Richard has a safe and Parker is ready to go. (so we're switching Diamond-bracelet targets from Debra to Richard) --- Back with Elliot, Billy is remniscing about old times. (turns out food works just as well as punches)

He doesnt trust Sophie, but also he doesnt have any grudges against her. (he understands that she didnt sell him out, he was going down anyway and he doesnt resent her, unlike Arthur) --- Back at Cultcon, Sophie is being politely interogated by Debra. (Debra sees a kinship/rivalry i think?)

Oh i see. (perhaps a bit late). its a maternity cult, about parenthood. And Sophie was always very maternal basically taking all of 2 episodes before becoming an all-out mom to Parker in the OG run. We're about to drop the "you abandoned your child" revelation aren't we? The narrative throughline of the season isnt the Duke she married, its the current duke/duchess that's gonna be the season finale. --- Back to Breanna and Robert, turns out the cheap bracelets cost 200 USD. Also he wants to play Jazz. Breanna knows where the Yes Virus needs to go (penthouse computer) --- Parker tells Harry to move it like a madagaskan lemur. Gold bars, land title deeds in Uzbek... (close enough to russia that it might have been a something Billy was covering up. Except then a reveal that Elliot knows he wasnt speaking russian cause Elliot speaks Russian.)

Oh god he's working with Billy. Thats our 3rd act complication isnt it? (yes a "sophie had a child" reveal would be a twist but it wouldnt be a complication to the con. But a betrayal by Billy...)

Richard challenges Harry to a duel. (who has spotted the bracelet. its in the mancave.) --- Oh Sophie is doing exposition about Nate, i thought we were gonna get into the Duke. (Or it could be both)

Richard just knocked Harry's earpiece out (quick, tell him its a hearing aid. You've spent too much time around loud cars and payed the price. He'll fall for it!) --- Back from commercial, It seems Harry is going for the lie i came up with (im starting to really get feel these writers)

Parker is compromised with her fake belly, and unfortunately Richard isnt buying the hearing aid story (worth a try) --- Breanna is so pissed that Harry's sword-fighting a viking and she's stuck as an accountant. (Ronald has gone home, grabbed his trumpet, returned to tell Breanna and now he's off again) --- "your brandy is watered down and your cubans are fake" hitting him where it hurts him most.

Harry gets to catch punch out a guy with a sword and catch a thrown axe with his shield. He's really getting into Phase 4. --- Meanwhile back at Sophie, we're she's stalling for time with expositiondumps to Debra. And the clock strikes (i think it was 4?) and Sophie turns the tide from reluctant admisions of past trauma to goading and baiting Debra into a confession. Oh she's calling for security after she just confessed to her actions on her own daily livestream? I do wonder what'll happen when we get back from commercials --- So yeah she was on broadcast (cause of course)

Breanna used Harry as a distraction to put her virus on Richards Wristband (man, if only Debra hadnt insisted on a Nuclear Missile-type 2-key situation she could've stopped all the returns from happening right now)

Harry runs into the Denouement looking like a fool because someone has to explain the logistics of the financial fallout (also he put in a call, the repoman works fast) --- Back at the theatre the Selleck Stache has been glued to a mixer. Parker is keeping the baby, and Harry is keeping the armor (it reeks but its probably expensive)

Richard spilled some beer in the car (which, is anticlimactic as far as "you ruined my car for the mission" jokes go), and Richard is playing jazz outside the theatre. ---

YES I KNEW THAT IT WASNT RUSSIA! It was the Uzbek deed after all! So our next mark is presumably this Ramsey guy. (if he's into runways, he's probably a plane-based smuggler) Final camera pan upwards to a devil-like statue. (not a Gargoyle as it isnt a waterfeature, and its mouthes and orifices are closed so it also isnt a grotesque)

[ratisnotcrying]

you’re useless

Summary: “Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Juno hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t even really believe it. Maybe he would have, when he was still a PI, before he had first met Peter, but he had changed so much since then. He still had bad days, but he handled them better now. He knew when he was in the wrong.

Prompt: "You're useless." from palettes-and-prompts

Pairings: background Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, background Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay

Warnings: implied child abuse, descriptions of violence, hidden injury, hurt/comfort

Word count: 2.6K

A/N: this is crossposted on ao3 - ik that repeticism isnt a word but im making it one for this fic 

~~~

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Juno hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t even really believe it. Maybe he would have, when he was still a PI, before he had first met Peter, but he had changed so much since then. He still had bad days, but he handled them better now. He knew when he was in the wrong.

~~~

Rowan isn’t quite sure how they found themself on board the Carte Blanche and on the outskirts of the Aurinko crime family.

They had the typical, cliché backstory of a lone-wolf operating within the underbelly of society - a surface-perfect home life destroyed by something seemingly mundane blah blah blah, trust issues, a long line of enemies, enough friends to count on one hand, and nothing much else to show for over two decades of living.

One good thing about working alone is the need to get creative, and this is what had put them on Buddy’s radar in the first place. A few years ago, Rowan had been hired to acquire a tank of rare fish - this is about where they stopped asking questions, they didn't care as long as they got paid - and, after some very elaborate lies, an even more elaborate disguise and a rigged game of cards, they had managed to win a tank of the ugliest fish they had ever seen.

The part that caught Buddy’s attention, though, was the escape. Rowan had been found out before they had a chance to get out of the building, and had only managed to escape because they had memorised the security’s routes. It took a bit of guesswork, but they had been able to work out where the security would be coming from, found an unguarded window, clambered down a drain pipe, fish tank sloshing precariously in their bag, and landed near perfectly in a pile of rubbish bags outside the window - if you discount the broken bottle that had gouged their leg.

Buddy had picked Rowan up a few weeks after Juno and Rita, but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, no matter how much anyone may have wanted it to be.

The problem wasn’t that Rowan couldn’t do their job - if that were the case they wouldn’t be here. No, the problem was that being thrown into close quarters with a bunch of strangers was… a lot. Especially for someone who had been alone for so long.

Rowan liked Jet well enough, he was straightforward and honest but intense; Buddy’s ‘take no shit but do no harm’ attitude aligned perfectly with her unwavering morals, and this was a welcome relief from the lies and deceit Rowan had lived with for so long. Rita and Peter were surprisingly welcoming, and Rowan formed a reluctant almost-friendship with Vespa. Juno, though. He and Rowan were too alike: fiercely independent, stubborn as a mule, and they both fell back into old habits as easily as anything.

Maybe this clash of bad habits, the deceptive comfort in being who you were, even for a moment, is how this job went so spectacularly wrong.

~~~

It was supposed to be a simple in-and-out job. Rita had taken out the security cameras, Jet was waiting in the car, and Juno was sneaking down the darkened hallways with Rowan.

“I still don’t understand why we need this goddamn painting. It looks like a baby threw up crayons and then just threw up on a canvas.”

“I’ve just eaten, Juno, shush if you don’t want me to throw up too.”

“Rowan, darling, please do not do that - this painting is priceless and highly sought after, which is why, Juno, we need to swap this for the information August Reid is refusing to give us. I did mention this in our family meeting before you left.”

Vespa’s aggravated voice piped up in the background of Buddy’s comms, “He was too busy swooning all over Ransom to pay attention.”

~~~

They had gotten the painting easily, so it was just a matter of getting out again. Rowan had been tasked with studying the guards’ shift patterns and routes, and had had no problem getting them in. Apparently, their luck couldn't hold.

They crept forwards, leading Juno left, right, left again, ducking this way and that to avoid the, quite frankly excessive, number of guards patrolling the halls. And that’s when it happened.

Rowan ducked right around a corner into another corridor, one that was supposed to be empty for another six minutes at least and there, at the other end, was a guard. A guard who was looking right at them.

“Crap.”

“What? Rowan we need to kee- crap.”

Both of their comms beeped, Buddy asking them questions with thinly veiled panic in her voice, but neither of them answered, stood frozen, eyes locked with the guard. Then all hell broke loose.

Everyone took out their guns and bullets started flying, the guard was shouting and footsteps could be heard thundering closer from all directions.

A tidal wave of de ja vu crashed over Rowan, “Fuck, this way,” they shouted, turning to run, voice tinged with something Juno didn’t have time to decipher, but Juno grabbed their sleeve and dragged them in the opposite direction.

“Hell no. You are done giving directions, I am not letting you get me killed here.”

They ran back the way they had come, and Juno skidded to a stop in front of a storage cupboard.

“Get in, quickly. There’s a vent at the top we need to get through. Do you think you can manage that?”

Rowan wasn't sure - there was a searing pain in their side that sent shocks of nausea through them with each breath and black dots into their vision with each movement. But this was their fault - they had failed at the one job they had - the one thing they were supposed to be able to do, they got themself shot and had put Juno in danger. They did not need to hold the job up any longer - they just had to get out of here and they could deal with the shot later.

It was a tight squeeze, both of them were crammed awkwardly into the vents, waiting for Rita to work out where they were so she could guide them out.

“Christ, it’s cramped in here - my side is killing me.” Rowan muttered to themself.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Everything seemed to shift and sharpen, Rowan suddenly violently aware of everything around them whilst simultaneously being blurred by memories they had tried so hard to bury: Juno was trying to listen and see if they had been found, there was shouting from down the hall, the smell of musty metal was almost overwhelming and Rowan jerked as if physically struck by Juno’s words, completely at a loss for what to say. Luckily, Rita, who had been on the comms, was not quite as speechless.

“Mistah Steel! That is a horrible thing to say, how could you-”

“Goddamnit Rita, I don't have time for this - how they hell do we get out of here?”

~~~

Jet was still outside with the car, and took off at break-neck speed as soon as the doors were shut. Juno sat in the front seat, the painting on his lap, talking to Buddy about something, and Rowan was slouched in the back, trying to cover up the fact that their organs were about to fall out. Well, that was an exaggeration. Probably. Just to be safe they grabbed a jacket they had left in the car weeks ago and slipped it on, wrapping it tightly around themself to try and hide the blood and hopefully-not-organs.

Juno had gotten a bit banged up in the vents, so when they arrived back at the Carte Blanche he went straight to the medical bay to meet Buddy with the painting and then to get checked.

“Rowan, it is recommended that you also get checked out. You look very ill,” Jet said as Rowan turned away from the medical bay and towards their room.

“No worries, Jet, I just want to get changed first - these clothes are filthy.”

~~~

“It was a mistake, darling, the best of us make them.”

“Yeah, well, it ws a stupid mistake - all they had to do was make sure they knew where the guards would be and then make sure we weren’t there!”

Vespa growled at Juno, who was gesticulating wildly whilst she was trying to wrap a bandage around his arm.

“Juno, I don’t care if Rowan walked straight up to that guard and told him why you were there - we are a family, and you will not speak to any member of this family like that.”

“That’s another thing - I get why everyone is here except Rowan - you said it was some daring escape that brought them here, but after today’s performance… what exactly do they bring to the table?”

“I’m going to leave that for you to work out, Juno.” Buddy said tersely.

He deflated a little, head tipping back to stare at the ceiling. Goddamnit.

“Are we about done here, Vespa, I’ve got places to be.”

~~~

Rowan would quite like a stiff drink right about now. Partially to actually drink, but mainly because they had run out of steriliser and this wound was definitely going to get infected and it would be this whole thing and they would get ill and-

“Get it together, Rowan.” They hissed, pulling out a sterile needle and taking a deep breath as they began to stitch themself up. This was not the first time, and likely wouldn’t be the last, that Rowan has had to do this - working alone and working recklessly meant most jobs ended with soft pink staining bandages and staining baths, throat and skin burning from cheap whiskey. Tonight didn’t have to be different.

The shot had skimmed their side so, luckily, no organs were falling out, but it was still going to be a bitch to heal, likely would be ripped open a few times and leave a nasty scar. This, unfortunately, was also not uncommon.

The painful repeticism of the needle going in and out lulled Rowan into a violent comfort they tried to avoid, the panicked calm soothing them until they couldn't quite hold back the memories they had been reminded of earlier.

Raised voices, gritted teeth and finger shaped bruises. Running, up stairs, through doors, arou-

There was a knock at their door. They flinched, snapping back to reality.

“Rowan, it’s Juno. Can I- can we talk?”

They almost said yes, just called Juno in like nothing was wrong. Then their brain kicked it’s way through the fog and realised they were sitting in bloody trousers, half stitched up wound and thread fully exposed to anyone who might walk in.

“Rowan?”

They picked up the shirt closest to them - part of a matching pyjama set - and tried to tuck the needle away so they could carry on when Juno was gone, and threw the door open.

“Sorry, I was just getting changed. Just sit anywhere.” They mumbled, haphazardly shoving piles of washing off of a chair.

“Thanks. Listen, about earlier, I know that you didn’t mean for that to happen. It’s been a rough week, not that that’s an excuse for what I said- are you alright?”

Rowan had half-sat, half-fallen back onto their seat on the bed and was focusing very hard on not fainting, so much so that they couldn’t really understand what Juno was saying. Maybe this wound was worse than they had thought. They nodded and hoped for the best.

“Right… Anyways, what I actually came to say is that I'm sorry I called you useless. You made a mistake, no one died, well I don’t think anyone died. Whatever, it couldn’t have been avoided. I know that I can be abrasive,” he said with a look that meant he had been told this many, many times before, “but that doesn’t mean that- Rowan, you really look like crap.”

“Wow, thanks, Juno, you say the sweetest things,” they took a deep breath and tried not to panic at the fact that they couldn’t really feel most of their torso anymore, “I know you didn’t mean it, we’re fine. Stop looking at me like that, I’m fine, I just need a nap.” The last words were pointed, hinting sharply at Juno to leave.

“Yeah, because slurred speech and sweating and shaking all scream ‘I’m fine’,” he paused for a moment and Rowan could almost see the cogs whirring, piecing together the information - bullets flying, the unidentified something in Rowan’s voice, the jacket they hadn’t been wearing before, the sterile wrappers on the bed… Then the last piece clicked into place, “Rowan, is that blood?”

They looked down at their top - their white pyjama top - as their vision began to fade out, their head too heavy to hold up and mouth too numb to speak, “No-”

~~~

When they came to, they were in the medical wing wearing a loose sleep shirt - distinctly not soaked in blood - and shorts. They tried to get up and go but a not-so-gentle hand pushed them back to lying down.

“Goddamnit, stop moving. You’ve already ripped your stitches once and you weren’t even awake,” Vespa growled, fussing with the bandages wrapped tight around Rowan’s middle.

“Sorry, I’ve always been lively in bed.”

“That’s cute, darling. What’s not cute is the stunt you pulled last night - if Juno hadn’t come to see you when he did... “ An uncomfortable look passed over Buddy’s face, “Let’s not dwell on that. I will want to talk about this later, but, for now, somebody else wants to see you.”

“Great,” Rowan tried to get up again, “Where are they?”

“Nice try, tough guy, but you’re staying right here until mean old Vespa lets you out.”

“Bite me, Steel.”

“No, thanks, I think I'll leave that to-” He cut himself off at Buddy's warning glance and didn't speak again until Buddy and Vespa had both left the room.

Rowan glanced at the bandage wrapped around Juno’s bicep, “Is it bad?”

“No, just a flesh wound, unlike that one you’re sporting - what was the plan? Stitch it up and hope you didn't drop dead in the middle of the next job?”

“Something like that.”

“Goddamnit. Okay, I don't know how much of what I said yesterday you heard but I'm sorry for what I said. I know we don't really… get along, but you remind me of,” he sighed, “You remind me of someone I used to know.”

“Juno, I really don't need a pep talk.”

“Well, here's the thing - you absolutely do because this,” he gestured to the bandages and the bed, “can’t happen again. You can't see that we care about you - you wouldn't be here if Buddy didn't think you were worth something and Rita is the best judge of character I know; she thinks you’re great. You have a goddamn family here, Rowan, stop trying to push us out.”

Rowan sighed, and Juno graciously didn't mention the tears in their eyes. “I don't know how to-” Rowan shook their head.

“We aren't going anywhere, Rowan, I know that's not what you want to hear but I don't care. For right now you need to stay here and stop ripping out your stitches. Take care of yourself for once. Then we can work on whatever complexes you’re holding onto so tight.” Juno said, squeezing Rowan’s shoulder as he stood.

Rowan didn’t say anything till he was half-way out the door, “Hey, Juno? Thanks.”

“Sure thing.”

[autistic-stedebonnet]

i have an idea for a wuko fic but i’m terrible at finishing fics (moment of silence for the 4 unfinished anne with an e fics) aghhh

but basically, it’s a modern au and mako and bolin live with lin because i said so, that’s irrelevant but i feel like it’s a good thing to include. anyway. bolin joins theater (varrick is the theater teacher and somehow also a chemistry teacher, no one really knows how) so of course mako has to go to the shows. he sees wu there and is kinda like “oh he’s cute” but he also has internalized homophobia, of course.

after the play, mako has to go with bolin and the rest of the cast/crew to denny’s (of course, where else) because makos the one with the car. he’s utterly miserable and then wu (who he knows as cute guy that ISNT CUTE AT ALL WTF IM STRAIGHT) starts talking to him... and keeps talking to him... and doesn’t leave him alone. for 3 hours. now we’re gonna say that this is matured wu that isn’t shamelessly and terribly flirting with every girl ever in order to seem very very straight. but it’s still wu. so he’s very talkative when he’s nervous. and this really really cute boy (who’s kinda grumpy, but whatever.) is making him nervous.

later, mako and bolin go home, much to mako’s relief and bolin’s like “so it looked like you and wu hit it off” and mako’s like “what. no he just didn’t leave me alone” (which is technically true, but there’s also the small matter of mako actually engaging in conversation about an hour in)

and for the next few weeks, wu, who is apparently in mako’s math (which math, idk. geometry, algebra, calculus, same thing) and english classes, won’t leave him alone. and bolin, korra and asami have to listen to mako whine about him for like a month. eventually someone (probably korra) breaks and is just like “why don’t you just ask him to leave you alone???” and mako’s like “what. why would i do that?” and everyone just lets it go for the day, cause he’s hopeless.

at some point, mako realizes wu sits alone at lunch, and invites him to their table. korra and asami hate him at first because he flirted with them a lot freshmen year, but then he apologizes and all is well. one day mako’s home sick and they all realize that wu’s incessant talking goes down like... a lot when mako isn’t there. and somehow, wu lets slip that he gets really chatty around people he likes and so begins operation “get mako to realize he’s in love with wu.”

and then mako and wu get together and live happily ever after. the end.

if i were to write this i would post it on tumblr, because i don’t have an ao3 account (don’t ask, it’s a long story)

EDIT: the fic has begun :)))

[planetjisungie]

lucky charms- h.rj

characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)

summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun

an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)

sigh okay this is a long boi

end of year exams were in just a few weeks

yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarcasm

now, charms

in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower

i did my research

you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though

still above averagely good

you know who else was good at charms?

huang renjun

the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy

best boi renjun

if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother

jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother

despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year

just go with it okay

so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking

but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems

best boi part 2

BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge

that nudge being forming a plan with you

you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’

this was jeno we were talking about

the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before

and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed

"proceed."

the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms

said friend was you

and you were ahead of the class

bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?

wrong.

who was in your class?

mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.

also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them

thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.

nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’

so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies

"hey man, i have a favour to ask"

stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go

"depends what said favour is"

smart boi™️

"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"

oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest

"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"

and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious

and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised

so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun

like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him

alone

no get those thoughts out of your head

n e ways u perv

renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages

smart boi part 2

so seeing him not looking at you

attention whore

wow why am i so mean today

you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious

you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast

healthy girl™️

and the gods apparently answered your prayers

because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face

and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)

poor boy

jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you

he was going to be choked later

"sorry im late"

renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by

2 minutes and 48 seconds

"no no its okay i havent been here long"

that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less

so he started teaching you, but ???

you seemed to fully grasp the concepts

confused boi

excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-

you need to brush up on your acting skills dude

appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught

so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you

things you already knew but this was a dream-

and actually he was a funny guy

he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid

this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer

that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated

hola soy dora your asshole

but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes

no tea no shade

but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling

so lads

the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because

man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.

"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"

the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out

no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends

"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still

mark seagull eyebrows: activated

excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??

something smells fishy here

"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"

eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking

confused boi part ??

"wait what?"

but later on he didnt question you about it

he silently observed you

he told himself that anyway

quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain

he was staring at you, simply put

my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)

so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms

that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated

like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better

"SPD, obviously"

AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here

"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"

i agree with y/n on this one pal

on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed

"i played a lot of cricket"

"cricket? okay tory"

"i am NOT a tory"

on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING

you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor

"simon cowell is a king"

"i agree"

legend behaviour if you ask me

wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat

so of course the exams came up

but you were dreading them for a different reason

this meant the end of tutoring with renjun

this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother

you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you

jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet

it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon

so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously

smart kids

and you ran right to renjun to celebrate

seeing as he had

not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you

oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help

but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?

rip your guilty conscience

so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable

unlike mark

and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went

NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that was the sound of a fast motorbike

"hi y/n"

‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’

"uhh hi renjun"

awkward silence by stray kids

"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"

okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-

as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves

which he did

"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"

he was a pure boy

so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean

somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling

"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"

renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall

bruh

you noticed his expression and panicked yet again

stop panicking man its okay i gotchu

"it was jenos idea"

blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b

unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea

so i guess its not fool proof

BUT I DIGRESS

renjun face palms and groans

"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"

confusion™️

but?? you felt hopeful??

"i dont think im on the same wavelength"

"i like you too dumbass"

oH so YOURE the dumbass??

yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back

jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness

"fucking finally!!"

[geekthefreakout]

In Which Len is Around for Henry Allen’s Death

Once in a while, Len and Mick get tired of the heroic shenanigans and want to get back to their regular shenanigans, and honestly if they’ve gone weeks without a lead of Savage then they an just as easily wait for Rip to figure shit out at home as they can in the confines of the Waverider. 

So while Rip is angsting and calculating on the ship, Len is casually checking out a local jewelry store in the suburbs one evening. Window shopping, really, just from inside the store. He owes Lisa a pretty golden gift for going on time travelling adventures without her and dismantling the alarms had been child’s play. Suddenly, blue lightning streaks past him, and he swears, drawing himself against the wall of the shop as yellow lightning follows it. He stays alert, remembering the dark speedster, the monster that had dangled a broken Flash in front of all the news cameras (he’d been in prison at the time, but it had been on the news on the shitty TV in the rec room and while the other inmates were cheering and catcalling Len had pressed himself against a back wall, trying to remember how to breathe because this was never something he ever wanted to see). Abandoning the jewelry he’d been browsing, he kept watch, barely breathing. Minutes later, the lightning streaked past again, and then the yellow lightning, alone. Cautiously, Len locked the jewelry shop up behind him (he’d come back later) and took stock of where he was. Somewhere from within his memory, he realizes that this street was the street Barry Allen had grown up on, something he’d discovered when he was stalking researching his rival. 

He decides to follow the smell of ozone, the static of the lightning. He’s always been good at knowing where Barry is. Len’s heart grows heavier as his search leads him to a quaint house in the suburbs with its door wide open. Barry is in there, mask down, bent over a body. Len approaches cautiously, silently. Barry doesn’t notice, is sobbing over the body of- shit- his father. Some part of Len, a part that had grown quieter and quieter with every moment that Barry Allen was in his life, and quieter still as he’d traveled with the Legends, notes that in his current state, so oblivious to anything but his grief, killing Barry would be easy. Len pushes it down, but he does close the door behind him as he enters the house. No one else needs to see the Flash this vulnerable. 

“Barry.” Len murmurs as he tugs the door firmly shut. Barry’s tear stained face shoots up, and Len stands still as Barry takes in his presence. Then Barry sags, looking more defeated than before, folding more of himself over his dead father.

“Go away, Snart. I’m not... I can’t...” And Barry is lost in sobs again. Len moves cautiously around him, heading back towards the kitchen of the house- Barry’s old house, he recognizes now. That blue son of a bitch. There, on the kitchen floor, is another body- Len assumes the house’s current owner. He curses quietly to himself, and steps over it, pouring a glass of water and then stepping back out, tugging the kitchen door shut behind him. This is the last thing Barry needs to see.

He walks over to Barry, setting the glass of water on the coffee table in the living room, and places a hand on his back. Barry tenses, but doesn’t move or say anything else otherwise. Len coaxes him away from Doc Allen’s body, tugging him to the couch and pressing the water glass into his hands. Barry’s hands shake as he takes a sip. Len steadies the glass for him. Here, there is no Captain Cold, and no Flash, even if they are both “in uniform.” Barry chokes on another broken cry as he keeps staring at his dad and Len could never stand to see Lisa cry and its the same for Barry, apparently. Len tugs him close, lets Barry bury his face into the soft down of his parka, and lets the kid cry, running his gloved hands over Barry’s leather clad back. Tugging one of his gloves off with his teeth, Len pulls out his phone and shoots a text to Lisa, asking for Cisco’s number (he knows she has it, don’t even bother lying, this is sort of an emergency) and then, as Barry loses himself to exhaustion, he calls the number.

“Hello?!?” Cisco answers almost frantically.

“Hello, Cisco.” Len allows himself to drawl. 

“SNART?” Cisco balks, and Len sharply tells him not to hang up, because isn’t he wondering where his friend is right now? Cisco just barely calms himself enough to let Len give him the address (and Len can here West cursing in the background) and to explain that Doc Allen is dead on the floor of his former home, and that Barry needs more support than a super villain is really capable of giving him, and he will stay and keep watch in case Zoom tries to come back on the condition that West keep his cool (Cisco groans) and not arrest him on sight. Cisco agrees, then suspiciously asks why he’s being so helpful.

“I was in the neighborhood. Maybe I’m feeling magnanimous today.” Len replies before hanging up. He keeps one hand on Barry’s back and the other picks up the cold gun, training it on the door in case Zoom comes back. Barry is nearly asleep, but not quite, tears still leaking from heavy lidded eyes. “They’re coming for you, kid.” Len murmurs, and he knows that the way he holds the kid tight, lets him hide his face from the horror in the room, is more than a fleeting feeling of magnanimity, but he can examine that later. 

It’s a truce all around when Team Flash arrives, along with the West family (there’s a kid with them that Len doesn’t know, with wide, fresh eyes, but that’s not important right now). Len passes Barry off to Iris, who hugs him as tight as she had so many years ago when Nora Allen had died in this very same house, and Caitlin examines Henry for a minute before sadly backing away. She and Cisco cover Henry with a sheet, and Len tugs West aside.

“There’s another body in the kitchen.” he whispers to West. “The kid doesn’t need to see that. Don’t let him in there.” West stares at him for a long moment, and then nods.

“I don’t trust you, Snart.” The detective says, ever blunt. “But... thank you. For my boy.” Len nods, and seeing that everything is under control, prepares to make his exit. Before he leaves, he turns around, meeting Barry’s eyes, and addresses the room at large.

“There’s only room for one speedster in this city. When you’re ready to take this bastard out... let me know. You know where to find me.” He is quietly determined to not leave Central until this is dealt with. Time can wait. 

Barry nods at him over Iris’ shoulder, a ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. You’re pretty bad at being a villain this week. 

Len gets the message. He shrugs. After they bury Doc Allen, after they have that team up that Barry is always hounding him about, and after he gets back on the Waverider and helps Kendra kill Savage... he’ll rob a bank. Or a museum. Lisa can geld some statues, and Mick can burn something ugly. The Flash will chase them. Barry Allen will tell him that he’s better than all of it. Len will challenge Barry to a game of pool, and they can argue morals over that. Len’s always been a fan of the gray area. 

That’s where they operate. Shades of gray. And back to normal.

[critterreads]

Operation: Polyamory

WOOO IM ON A WRITING SPREE! Anyways, have some good Single Dad Au fic. Enjoy :)

_

Brock still has his job as a babysitter after him and Tyler hook up. Brock has Luke bring the kids to his/Tyler's house and Luke can't get over how sweet Brock is and his feelings just slowly grow for him. At work tho, Luke meets Tyler and man is he hot, but he feels like he has seen him before, but where?

But Luke hasn't really seen him, he saw his kid's at the babysitters house. Luke just becomes more confused tho because he has feelings for both men and isnt sure if he is ready or if his boys will be ready. But it turns out, when he goes to get his boys that his boys really like the twins and Connor and are having a blast. Luke actually has a genuine smile on his face at the sight.

Cue Tyler walking in from work and suprized to see Luke there. Brock gives Tyler a kiss on the cheek and Lukes heart sunk. Luke starts getting the boys ready when Brock stops him and invites them to stay for dinner. Luke is kinda confused but accepts. Bryce and Marcel are happy that they get to hang out with Smii7y, Tux, and Connor more.

Luke helps with making dinner while Tyler plays with the kids. Brock asks Luke about Marcel and Bryce and why they say "Brother from another mother." and Luke just freezes. Brock thought it was an adoption thing but clearly sees that its not by Lukes body language. Luke is trying not to breakdown and Brock immediately begins apologizing for bringing it up. But Luke pushes past his gulit and speaks. "They are from different mothers .... and because of it, they are stuck with me ... and their moms dont want them cuz they are reminded of me ... a person who made bad choices."

Brock gently rubs his shoulder. "But they love you dearly, all they ever do is talk about how great you are. It was the same way when I started babysitting Tyler's kids. They love him so much it made me love him, and apparently he loved me back. But we both didn't know, so the kid's got us together cuz they knew. They knew that we both would be happy together."

Marcel comes into the kitchen and sees his dad with that look of guilt but it's not as deep as normal, Bryce walks in and notices it too. They look at each other with a thought before leaving quickly so they aren't spotted.

They go to Smii7y and Tux and tell them that they think their dad has a crush Brock but isnt sure about Tyler yet. Smii7y and Tux just get these smiles on their faces and ask Connor "What's is when someone loves 2 or more ppl and they all agree to it?" Connor replys "It's called Polyamory! Why?" Smii7y and Tux's smiles grew wider as Marcel and Bryce cant believe that poly is an actual thing. "How would you feel with being brothers?"

Tyler had left the room and went to the kitchen before that convo between the boys happened. Tyler came in to see Brock comforting Luke who was a wreck after what Brock said. Tyler is confused by what's going on and how Brock managed to make a man of that stature start having a breakdown. Tyler came over and Brock told him what Luke told him and Tyler understood where Luke was coming from. "Luke, I know you feel like your sons deserve better. But they just need you ... you to be there for them. You make them happy just as they make you happy. I know sometimes you feel like everything was your fault when it comes to them not having two parents, but its not really true. You needed to do what was best for them and you."

Back in the room the boys are making a plan to get there dads together. "I know it might take a month or 2 for tis to be a success, but in the end we will be brothers!" Tux shouts with Smii7y as the other three clap and cheer at the plan. Of course, the commotion brought Brock to the room, since Tyler is comforting Luke. The room goes dead quite when Brock opens the door. "What are you boys up too?" The older ones were looking at each other, confused as to if they should tell him or shouldn't tell him. Connor decides to tell Brock. "We are planning a Polyamory so we can have 3 dads and all be brothers." The others look at him with a shocked faces. "What? I just cut the time in half?" Brock's face was written with suprize at such a plan, he didn't even know where they got the idea from.

Bryce stood up "You see Mr. Brock ... there's more to our dad than what he shows. We know our dad has trouble when it comes to loving someone in a romantic way, ... cuz of our moms. But to see our dad not feel as guilty is quite..." "Wonderful." Marcel finished Bryce's sentence. "Just like our dad." Smii7y said as all the boys were now hugging each other.

Brock looks back at the two before looking back at the kids and giving them a wink. "They're fine, just being boys is all." Brock said with a giggle. "Why dont you boys hang out with Luke while me and Tyler finish dinner?" Marcel and Bryce smiled knowing they could tell their dad about the plan while Brock talks to Tyler. "Please dad?" They somewhat begged. "Alright, I'll stay and play."

Brock and Tyler go back to the kitchen while Luke stays. Little did Luke know he was in for something. "Ok dad, do you have a crush on Mr. Brock?" Marcel stated. Luke was caught off guard that he didn't know his face was becoming pink. "We'll take that as a yes." Tux smirked as he checked off a list for the plan. "Do you like my dad?" Smii7y said. Lukes face became red. "W-why are you asking me all these questions?!?" "Because we want you to be our dad too." Connor said with a soft smile and Luke became overwhelmed with happiness.

"Y-you want me as your dad too? ... But ... how?" "Apparently, its called Polyamory. Its when someone loves 2 or more ppl and they all agree on it." Bryce said as he hugged his dad. Luke leaned down and hugged Bryce only for Marcel to shout, "GROUP HUG!" As all the kids tackled him to the ground. Luke started to laugh as they all continued to give him hugs.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Brock was telling Tyler what the kids planned. Tyler sat there and thought about it, Luke did flirt with him at work. "Well, he is kinda hot and we did just help him with some issues that he clearly as been dealing with by himself for who knows how long." Tyler ran his fingers through his hair as Brock began to speak. "He has been dealing with it for years, probably ever since his boys were born. He probably thinks that they would be more happy if they had other parents to look up too, or he is lonely as well. He wants ones who are like us, ones who care about each other and love each other no matter their faults or choices."

Tyler smiled. "That sounds familiar to something I said." Brock just chuckled as he finished making dinner. Brock called out to the kids and Luke that dinner is ready, the sounds of kids stampeding through the hallway could be heard before they appeared at the table. Luke had slowly trailed behind them and had a big smile on his face with slight tears in his eyes.

All the kids sat at the table as the adults put the food on it, the smell filling their noses with a fresh warmth. Soon they began to eat and enjoy each others company. When they are done the kids go back to playing and spying on the adults as to hear their convo.

Tyler starts it up. "So, I've been told what the kids have been planning ... and I must admit that I'm not really surprised that they would come up with something somewhat crazy ... but it just might work." Luke turns to Tyler and sees Brock with a soft smile. "Y-you mean? I-I.." Luke becomes a flustered mess as the two smile before hugging him.

"Operation: Polyamory was a success, boiz." Tux said as he high fived Smii7y. Marcel handed $2 to Bryce for winning a bet about how their dad would react. "We are brothers now." Connor hugged Marcel and Bryce to be joined by Smii7y and Tux. Everyone was happy as can be now that they were all together.

~la fin

This is probably one of the longest things ive wrote and im happy about it. I hope you love it uwu

[elvesofnoldor]

also, smh one thing not valid abt dragon age series is that the protagonist is always given a choice to fuck over a dalish clan, or the dalish clan is always at high risk of being fucked over. in da:o, the warden can choose to wipe out an entire dalish clan in favour of bunch of werewolves who once r*ped and tortured two elven children when they were humans, like, that’s a choice you can make! it sure is a choice you can make for some reason! then da2, merrill’s clan easily dies in its entirety apparently when you are doing her personal quest. And then in da:i, if played as inquisitor lavellan, clan lavellan--your protagonist’s clan!--can mcfreaking get wiped the fuck out by a mob of humans if you made one wrong move at the war table operation. why are these dalish clans at risks of extinction all the time!!! its like, “nobody:   bioware writers: the dalish clan can totally get wipe out! isnt it fun!” in da4, bioware leaves the dalish the fuck alone challenge!!!

[junker-town]

5 winners and 2 losers from Super Wild Card Weekend

Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports

The Bills got the giant monkey off their back, finally.

Well, that was fun wasn’t it? Super Wild Card Weekend was a whole lot like Wild Card Weekend ... but SUPER! Everything is more fun when you throw “Super” in front of it. See: Mario Bros., Nintendo, man, and bowl. Sorry, I can’t keep up this facade. This was all an attempt by the NFL to make more money, so congrats I guess.

We really, really didn’t need to see the Buccaneers blow out the Eagles or the Chiefs destroy the Steelers in a three hour broadcasting ode to Ben Roethlisberger — but we did, and it was easily the most boring part of the weekend.

More isn’t always more. The four game weekend structure was already perfect. The two NFC, two AFC symmetry was there and it was delightful. Now we’re pushing this whole thing into Monday, with an unbalanced three game Sunday. I understand that raging against the machine is an unpractical enterprise, I just hope the players see some benefit in the next CBA of being put at risk in an extra week of regular season and an additional playoff game.

Now, let’s not invest any more time in why this weekend was bad and instead look at the amazing stuff that happened.

Winner: Josh Allen

There were a lot of big winners at quarterback this week, but none more than Josh Allen. Beyond the incredible stats it was far more about the statement Allen made on Saturday than anything else.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I abhor this idea of a “statement game.” It’s one of those buzz-word sports phrases we cook up for narrative’s sake, but don’t really represent the reality of the athletes who are playing the game. They don’t care about “statements,” they operate to win, move on, repeat.

However, the optics of Bills vs. Patriots is massive. It’s big in the regular season, and mammoth in the playoffs — even considering the wild card. This is a rivalry forged in a crucible, and the first stoked with the frustration of decades of the Bills being second. A year ago we were talking about the shift in power in the division heading to Buffalo, and that turned back mid-2021 as it became apparent New England was far from dead.

For while it seemed that the Bills would be heading back to waiting for their turn. The Patriots surged with Mac Jones midseason as the Bills floundered, then Buffalo surged back while New England regressed. That made the playoff meeting a toss up. The door was shut on all that really quickly.

Buffalo didn’t just beat the Patriots, they obliterated them — and it was on the back on Allen’s perfect game. Moments like this are why the Bills had so much faith in extending him last offseason in a massive contract. When you can beat the Patriots at home in the playoffs it’s the ultimate sign of things changing.

The most remarkable thing about Allen’s game is how many different weapons he used through the air. He completed 21 passes to nine different receivers, showing a varied passing attack that’s been missed so much this year.

The next step against the Chiefs will be considerably more difficult, but for now the Bills are table-diving kings.

Loser: This dildo

you're not gonna believe this, but this isnt the first time someone threw a dildo on the field in a Bills-Patriots game pic.twitter.com/IXAiDVMXgt

— SB Nation (@SBNation) January 16, 2022

Dildo throwing is a Buffalo tradition. I get that. But I feel bad for the dildo. It wasn’t created to be thrown on a frozen field, and mocked. It didn’t get forged out of high quality seam-free vulcanized rubber to be pointed at and mocked. It’s supposed to be hidden, private, not ejected into the nearest stadium trash can after the game was over.

I feel bad for it.

Winner: Patrick Mahomes

If you throw five touchdowns and destroy a playoff team you’re a winner. I don’t make the rules. That said, I might not forgive him for so throughly dismantling the Steelers that we essentially had three hours of announcers bloviating about Ben Roethlisberger.

Loser: These sad Cowboys fans

There are so many photos of sad Cowboys fans we have a surplus, but this one is really leaping off the screen to me.

Cowboys fans rn pic.twitter.com/fMaIQ2m0cB

— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) January 17, 2022

Is this the end to the playoffs or a wake for the cancellation of Jersey Shore? You Tell me.

Winner: The Chiefs’ incredible flex

This could be extremely poor stadium planning, but I don’t care because it’s hilarious.

LMFAOOO pic.twitter.com/68X6YlHNg8

— Ivan (@ivancanfield) January 17, 2022

Sure, the Chiefs could have just pretended this never happened. I don’t know how many people would have noticed there weren’t touchdown fireworks — but rubbing it in this this really sells the moment. Also that line about directly complaints is just delightful. I would love to know if anyone took the team up on this.

Winner: Deebo Samuel and Jerick McKinnon

I’m putting this duo together because they really fall into similar characters. Both are two of the most exciting multi-purpose weapons in the NFL, falling into the realm of hydrid weapons the modern NFL loves.

McKinnon is technically a running back. Samuel is a wide receiver on paper — both are the most important every-down threats on their respective teams. Getting to shine on a national stage was wonderful for both of them, and show the world the kind of players that dominate the modern NFL.

Samuel: 10 carries, 72 yards, 1 TD — 3 receptions, 38 yards McKinnon: 12 carries, 61 yards — 6 receptions, 81 yards, 1 TD

I love to see these guys thrive, and with both teams moving on I’m excited to see what happens next.

[samanthasroberts]

Mexico after El Chapo: new generation fights for control of the cartel

The wave of violence suggests if El Chapo had a plan for succession, it has fallen into chaos, turning Sinaloa into one of Mexicos most violent states

Engines revved, tires squealed and tail lights faded into the distance as an Audi raced a Mini Cooper down the street past apartment buildings and empty lots. The spectators boys in baseball caps, girls in short skirts lounged against their own luxury vehicles, drinking beer.

The drag races roared for more than an hour as darkness fell over Culiacn, but the neighbours never complained about noise, and the police never turned up to put an end to the fun.

No wonder: the racers were most probably the children of some of Mexicos most powerful crime bosses. Known collectively as narco-juniors, this generation of narcos has discarded the discretion of their elders, replacing it with conspicuous displays of wealth, violence and impunity.

And it is a generation that is now on the frontlines of a violent struggle for control of the Sinaloa cartel, which has been sunk into a war of succession since the capture and extradition to the US of Joaqun El Chapo Guzmn.

The generational change has started and it seems like the process is not going so well, said Adrin Lpez, editor of the Sinaloa newspaper Noroeste. And with El Chapo sitting in a US prison, theres no longer anyone to referee the disputes between them.

The disputes have turned Sinaloa a long sliver of pine-clad mountains and Pacific coast beaches into one of Mexicos most violent states in 2017. But the shockwaves have been felt across the country.

This week, a former policeman once described as Guzmns right-hand man was arrested in Mexico City, after reportedly clashing with El Chapos sons.

Federal officials say Dmaso Lpez Nez who once helped El Chapos escape from prison had sought to partner with the upstart Jalisco New Generation cartel, which has disputed Sinaloa cartel territories up and down the Pacific coast.

Ivan Archivaldo Guzmn Salazar Photograph: Handout

Lpezs war with Guzmns sons Ivn Archivaldo Guzmn Salazar and Jess Alfredo Guzmn Salazar, known collectively as Los Chapitos is believed to be behind a wave of violence in Sinaloa and Baja California Sur.

El Chapo was born in the rugged mountains of the Sierra Madre, where he grew up in abject poverty before becoming one of the most powerful figures in the Sinaloa cartel.

Those mountains were his unquestioned fiefdom, but with Guzmn locked up in a New York high-security unit, rival crime groups are now making brazen incursions.

Last year, gunmen from the smaller Beltrn Leyva cartel looted the home of Guzmns elderly mother in the hamlet of La Tuna.

More recently, violence has focused on the sun-scorched agricultural valleys around Culiacn and at the crossroads town of Villa Jurez, where rival factions are fighting over local drug sales.

In one incident this February, a convoy of trucks including one with a .50 calibre machine mounted in a rotating turret pulled into Villa Jurez and opened fire at a Pemex petrol station. Four people, including a pregnant woman, were killed.

Three months later, the bullet holes that pock the filling stations facade are still visible under a fresh coat of paint, but locals are still unwilling to talk. I dont want to get involved in it, said an employee while a jaunty narcocorrido a song lionizing drug lords blared in the background.

All the violence, said the employee, Its like being in Afghanistan or something.

As he spoke, he kept an eye on the steady stream of motorcycles that buzzed past the preferred mode of transport for cartel lookouts.

In the unkempt town square, a street vendor refused to make eye contact as he slowly set out gleaming tubes of lipstick on his table. Yes, theres violence, he allowed, but then fell silent.

The racers in Culiacn were most probably the children of some of Mexicos most powerful crime bosses. Photograph: David Agren for the Guardian

The wave of violence suggests if El Chapo had a plan for succession, it has fallen into chaos. In his 2016 Rolling Stone interview with Guzmn, Sean Penn described Ivn as the heir apparent. Hes attentive with a calm maturity, Penn said of Ivn, who was charged in the 2004 murder of a Canadian exchange student and a male companion as they left a Guadalajara-area bar.

A 2005 psychological profile from a prison stay said the younger Guzmn demonstrated probable psychological violence toward persons that he does not consider on his socio-economic level.

Cartel observers say that Ivn and Jess Alfredo who grew up in a life of luxury are not ready to take over their fathers empire. The only thing theyre good at is spending El Chapos money, said Mike Vigil, former DEA head of international operations. Theyve never had to get their hands dirty. Theyre not street smart like El Chapo.

Vigil pointed to a confusing incident last year, in which Jess Alfredo was seized by gunmen possibly from the rival CJNG from a restaurant in Puerto Vallarta, before being released after an apparent deal.

Theyre very lucky to be alive, Vigil said.

Locals, however, say that Ivn retains one important advantage over the CNJG and the remnants of Lpezs faction: the lingering affection for his father felt by many in the state, where among the states rural and poor population El Chapo is revered as a Robin Hood figure who thumbed his nose at the authorities even as he doled out patronage and charity.

He owns this town, said a journalist covering organized crime in Culiacn. He said that Ivn Guzmn is thought to have an army of hitmen in Culiacn, along with spies in all parts everyone from youngsters on motorcycles to people washing windshields at intersections to employees at hotels. Ivn Guzman isnt shy about showing off. He tweets to flash his fancy cars, trips on private planes and exotic animals in his keep. He also rails against the government and denounces the many who have turned on us.

Locals say that the younger Guzmn is fond of racing a red Ferrari through Culiacn, a city of around 900,000 that is home to the kind of premium auto dealerships and luxury shops seldom seen in provincial Mexican cities.

And few doubt that the Guzmns word is law in the city: one local described seeing cartel bodyguards stop traffic so one of El Chapos sons could do doughnuts in his white Nissan GT-R at a traffic junction.

Unlike the first generation of cartel bosses, the new wave of cartel are often university educated and more likely to choose Italian slip-ons and Jaguars than their fathers ostrich skin cowboy boots and Hummers.

But the generational changes go beyond material tastes. One former cartel gunman, expressed dismay at the ethical shortcomings of the younger bosses, and over a plate of seak tacos reminisced about a time when narcos had honour.

15, 20 years ago, if we wanted to kill you and you turned up with your wife and children, we couldnt do anything. We couldnt touch you, said the man, who once worked for Ismael El Mayo Zambada, a contemporary of El Chapo.

Now, they dont give a damn If they see you in a taco stand, theyll come and shoot it up, he said.

Over decades, the people of Sinaloa have grown used to living alongside organised crime; now, however, many fear that changes are on their way and that change will inevitably bring more violence.

Leticia Villegas insists that her brother Adolfo a teacher and part-time contract lawyer had nothing to do with the underworld. But in March, he was grabbed from his small Chevy less than a block from his home and hasnt been seen since.

They say this is a dispute between different groups, she said, but its harming innocent people.

This article was amended on 6 May to clarify that Leticia Villegass brother Adolfo is a part-time contract lawyer.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/mexico-after-el-chapo-new-generation-fights-for-control-of-the-cartel/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/mexico-after-el-chapo-new-generation-fights-for-control-of-the-cartel/

[allofbeercom]

Mexico after El Chapo: new generation fights for control of the cartel

The wave of violence suggests if El Chapo had a plan for succession, it has fallen into chaos, turning Sinaloa into one of Mexicos most violent states

Engines revved, tires squealed and tail lights faded into the distance as an Audi raced a Mini Cooper down the street past apartment buildings and empty lots. The spectators boys in baseball caps, girls in short skirts lounged against their own luxury vehicles, drinking beer.

The drag races roared for more than an hour as darkness fell over Culiacn, but the neighbours never complained about noise, and the police never turned up to put an end to the fun.

No wonder: the racers were most probably the children of some of Mexicos most powerful crime bosses. Known collectively as narco-juniors, this generation of narcos has discarded the discretion of their elders, replacing it with conspicuous displays of wealth, violence and impunity.

And it is a generation that is now on the frontlines of a violent struggle for control of the Sinaloa cartel, which has been sunk into a war of succession since the capture and extradition to the US of Joaqun El Chapo Guzmn.

The generational change has started and it seems like the process is not going so well, said Adrin Lpez, editor of the Sinaloa newspaper Noroeste. And with El Chapo sitting in a US prison, theres no longer anyone to referee the disputes between them.

The disputes have turned Sinaloa a long sliver of pine-clad mountains and Pacific coast beaches into one of Mexicos most violent states in 2017. But the shockwaves have been felt across the country.

This week, a former policeman once described as Guzmns right-hand man was arrested in Mexico City, after reportedly clashing with El Chapos sons.

Federal officials say Dmaso Lpez Nez who once helped El Chapos escape from prison had sought to partner with the upstart Jalisco New Generation cartel, which has disputed Sinaloa cartel territories up and down the Pacific coast.

Ivan Archivaldo Guzmn Salazar Photograph: Handout

Lpezs war with Guzmns sons Ivn Archivaldo Guzmn Salazar and Jess Alfredo Guzmn Salazar, known collectively as Los Chapitos is believed to be behind a wave of violence in Sinaloa and Baja California Sur.

El Chapo was born in the rugged mountains of the Sierra Madre, where he grew up in abject poverty before becoming one of the most powerful figures in the Sinaloa cartel.

Those mountains were his unquestioned fiefdom, but with Guzmn locked up in a New York high-security unit, rival crime groups are now making brazen incursions.

Last year, gunmen from the smaller Beltrn Leyva cartel looted the home of Guzmns elderly mother in the hamlet of La Tuna.

More recently, violence has focused on the sun-scorched agricultural valleys around Culiacn and at the crossroads town of Villa Jurez, where rival factions are fighting over local drug sales.

In one incident this February, a convoy of trucks including one with a .50 calibre machine mounted in a rotating turret pulled into Villa Jurez and opened fire at a Pemex petrol station. Four people, including a pregnant woman, were killed.

Three months later, the bullet holes that pock the filling stations facade are still visible under a fresh coat of paint, but locals are still unwilling to talk. I dont want to get involved in it, said an employee while a jaunty narcocorrido a song lionizing drug lords blared in the background.

All the violence, said the employee, Its like being in Afghanistan or something.

As he spoke, he kept an eye on the steady stream of motorcycles that buzzed past the preferred mode of transport for cartel lookouts.

In the unkempt town square, a street vendor refused to make eye contact as he slowly set out gleaming tubes of lipstick on his table. Yes, theres violence, he allowed, but then fell silent.

The racers in Culiacn were most probably the children of some of Mexicos most powerful crime bosses. Photograph: David Agren for the Guardian

The wave of violence suggests if El Chapo had a plan for succession, it has fallen into chaos. In his 2016 Rolling Stone interview with Guzmn, Sean Penn described Ivn as the heir apparent. Hes attentive with a calm maturity, Penn said of Ivn, who was charged in the 2004 murder of a Canadian exchange student and a male companion as they left a Guadalajara-area bar.

A 2005 psychological profile from a prison stay said the younger Guzmn demonstrated probable psychological violence toward persons that he does not consider on his socio-economic level.

Cartel observers say that Ivn and Jess Alfredo who grew up in a life of luxury are not ready to take over their fathers empire. The only thing theyre good at is spending El Chapos money, said Mike Vigil, former DEA head of international operations. Theyve never had to get their hands dirty. Theyre not street smart like El Chapo.

Vigil pointed to a confusing incident last year, in which Jess Alfredo was seized by gunmen possibly from the rival CJNG from a restaurant in Puerto Vallarta, before being released after an apparent deal.

Theyre very lucky to be alive, Vigil said.

Locals, however, say that Ivn retains one important advantage over the CNJG and the remnants of Lpezs faction: the lingering affection for his father felt by many in the state, where among the states rural and poor population El Chapo is revered as a Robin Hood figure who thumbed his nose at the authorities even as he doled out patronage and charity.

He owns this town, said a journalist covering organized crime in Culiacn. He said that Ivn Guzmn is thought to have an army of hitmen in Culiacn, along with spies in all parts everyone from youngsters on motorcycles to people washing windshields at intersections to employees at hotels. Ivn Guzman isnt shy about showing off. He tweets to flash his fancy cars, trips on private planes and exotic animals in his keep. He also rails against the government and denounces the many who have turned on us.

Locals say that the younger Guzmn is fond of racing a red Ferrari through Culiacn, a city of around 900,000 that is home to the kind of premium auto dealerships and luxury shops seldom seen in provincial Mexican cities.

And few doubt that the Guzmns word is law in the city: one local described seeing cartel bodyguards stop traffic so one of El Chapos sons could do doughnuts in his white Nissan GT-R at a traffic junction.

Unlike the first generation of cartel bosses, the new wave of cartel are often university educated and more likely to choose Italian slip-ons and Jaguars than their fathers ostrich skin cowboy boots and Hummers.

But the generational changes go beyond material tastes. One former cartel gunman, expressed dismay at the ethical shortcomings of the younger bosses, and over a plate of seak tacos reminisced about a time when narcos had honour.

15, 20 years ago, if we wanted to kill you and you turned up with your wife and children, we couldnt do anything. We couldnt touch you, said the man, who once worked for Ismael El Mayo Zambada, a contemporary of El Chapo.

Now, they dont give a damn If they see you in a taco stand, theyll come and shoot it up, he said.

Over decades, the people of Sinaloa have grown used to living alongside organised crime; now, however, many fear that changes are on their way and that change will inevitably bring more violence.

Leticia Villegas insists that her brother Adolfo a teacher and part-time contract lawyer had nothing to do with the underworld. But in March, he was grabbed from his small Chevy less than a block from his home and hasnt been seen since.

They say this is a dispute between different groups, she said, but its harming innocent people.

This article was amended on 6 May to clarify that Leticia Villegass brother Adolfo is a part-time contract lawyer.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/mexico-after-el-chapo-new-generation-fights-for-control-of-the-cartel/

[aut0n0m0usauth0rity]

"hm?" 4r turned as her partner entered the room. Or rather, her head did, doing an almost 180° to track the newest occupant of the living room, while her body continued setting up, apparently operating on non visual sensors. "0h hell0 terezi! my that was fast, i was h0ping t0 be ready bef0re y0u g0t here"

As it was, she seemed nearly finished, placing down a few bar stools before moving behind one of the partitions she had set up that was about torso height and ducking underneath it. From the other side, terezi could hear the clink of glass, before 4r surfaced again.

"as f0r what im d0ing; setting up 0f c0urse! we are g0ing t0 d0 a bit 0f r0leplay t0 simulate a live situati0n s0 i can learn fr0m y0u via experience, essentially" casting her metal arms wide, she gestured at the transformed living room "it isnt perfect, but as y0u can see ive set up a makeshift bar f0r us t0 interact in. what d0 y0u think?"

4r was practically beaming, in the sense that her typically slight smile was a normally sized one. The synthetic officer seemed quite pleased with her work, and the room DID resemble a bar; couches had been faced together with tables between them to form booths, and she had brought barstools in from...somewhere? To sit at the makeshift bar's counter. With a final snap of her fingers, the lighting in the room adjusted lower, giving the living room a more dingy feel.

aut0n0m0usauth0rity:

D3m0nstr4t10ns

“s0unds excellent 0fficer, ill meet y0u there 0u0 see y0u s00n”

4r blinked away the chat window, eye shutters whirring as she looked about the living room, where she had in fact been the entire time. Sterile as ever, and so clean too. Frankly she had been expecting things to become more of a mess! So far Terezi’s cleanliness had been a pleasant surprise.

She stood up, beginning to move some of the sparse furniture of the room so the empty space was focused in the center, lifting the full sized couch as if it were a book and placing it against the wall. Truth told, she didnt have much to learn from terezi about her methods, as those were quite obvious; Appeal.

No, what she really needed was to get an idea of Terezi’s limits; how easily she could be fooled in the field, what would actually tip her off that she was being taken advantage of, etcetera. Not only would knowing such allow her to make officer Pyrope remained safe in the field, 4r was also beginning to hatch plans about how Terezi might be used to catch bad guys more easily, her robotic mind throwing up images of the no doubt now jobless Garth, remembering how Terezi had inadvertently led to his exposure for corruption with a smile.

But that was for later; for now, she needed to finish getting ready. Terezi would surely be here soon!

Terezi didn’t think much of the situation honestly. After throwing together her usual sparse wardrobe of shorts, tube top,  jacket and RAD COMBAT BOOTS, she made her way out of her room, taking a quick right turn to reach the living room area at the end of the hallway. She and 4R both were rather close to it, so it was honestly a pretty convenient place to meet up!

Once she arrived, she was surprised to see 4R was already there and… rearranging things?

“OH H3Y,” Terezi hummed, waving to the other as she took a few steps in, looking around. “UHHHH LOOKS L1K3 YOUR3 H4V1NG FUN?” She cackled a bit, covering her mouth in a slightly sinister gesture before finding a spot against the wall to lean.

Something about the new layout 4R was setting up seemed familiar, but she couldn’t quite figure out why.

“WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG?”

She had no idea what this was all about aside from demonstrating some tactics of hers, but she wasn’t exactly sure what that meant! Was she just giving the buckethead some pointers? Probably! She was still really green, and despite the programmed experience in her mind, nothing really made up for a hands on demonstration of the tactics in real world scenarios.

Which was probably why she needed some clarifications! Yeah! Definitely seemed like it at least. 

[gulescamisade]

Virginia:  Day 10

DAVENFORTH: -Does this university have a gym? It better. Well, Dave is in there. Not that you can see him, there's a heavy punching bag taking quite the abuse. There's flurries of hits, but their source can't be seen.-

HIGHBLOOD: =Watching this. He's here. He's maybe always been here. Crunches nacho slowly, loudly.=

DAVENFORTH: -When the fuck did you even get here-

DAVENFORTH: -Flashes in and kicks the bag, sending it flying into a wall. He lands, huffing, sweating.-

QIRIN: =she comes in eventually, sitting quietly on a bench with her hands open in her lap, watching Sonic the Hedgehog beat up a gremlin.=

HIGHBLOOD: =hands Qirin cheesy nacho chips= :o)

DAVENFORTH: -He hasn't noticed the audience yet, walking over and hoisting the bag up, placing it back on its rack.-

QIRIN: =....thanks. She nods and takes it, not wishing to be the one to disrupt the silence.=

HIGHBLOOD: =loudly crunches chip again=

DAVENFORTH: -Looks up. Oh. He gives a sup nod-

HIGHBLOOD: you tirin already brother, shit just got good =eats more chips and nods at him=

QIRIN: =waves gently. hi, she read the news.=

DAVENFORTH: Nah just didnt realize i had an audience

DAVENFORTH: -Rolls his shoulders and goes back to punching the bag, normally this time. He's putting a lot of effort behind these swings, the impacts very audible in the gym-

-----------

ERIDAN: -Somewhere in the first floor of the university science department, a fish troll has made his headquarters. The door of a lab is thrown open while music plays, if it could be called music. It was muffled and the signal was terribe with static. It was obviously a radio hotwired to pick up whatever far off-planet station that dared to air all the way to Earth. A small sign of life in the otherwise gloomy dark school hallways.- 

ERIDAN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=And-yo5jwko

ROXANNE: -Obviously if she was going to tour around anywhere to distract herself from the stress and danger it would be the science building. It would be like a blast from the past. When Roxanne had still been in school she spent all her time in her campus science department or observatory (good place to study, really quiet.) She walks aimlessly around the empty halls of the first floor peeking in through a window or two until the sound of shitty music gains her attention and she follows it until she is looking in through the open door to the lab.- 

ROXANNE: Huh. -Looks like they were re-purposing rooms.-

ERIDAN: -Repurposing the rooms in a manner of speaking. The tables were lined with Eridan's "meager" collection of assault weapons. Everything ranging from harpoon guns to muskets, photon, and of course, the standard automatic was laid out on display.- 

ERIDAN: -Eridan himself was half sprawled over the professor's desk, having fallen asleep over maps of the Washington battle grounds next to his honest-to-god duct taped radio hull. The source of the static music.- (zzzz)

ROXANNE: -What a hero, what a pro.- 

ROXANNE: -Maybe she should just let him sleep, but tickle her curious at just why he was napping in a slightly redecorated lab while leaving dangerous weaponry about.- ROXANNE: Hm. -She knocks on the frame of the doorway to see if that will wake him up.-

ERIDAN: -SNORTS AWAKE, hunting knife almost instantly in his hand. Maybe he fell asleep with it? He lifts his head to peer blearily around, glasses askew.- zzzuhfuck -Spots Roxanne at the door, eyebrows furrowing until he's giving a mighty stretch at the desk.- 

ERIDAN: oh dammit 

ERIDAN: justa human -yawns toothily, using the pointy end of the knife to scratch at the base of his horns.- wwhats the commotion

ROXANNE: -Yep just a human 8) - 

ROXANNE: -Briefly flinches when he wakes up with a knife of all things.- Jeez ya' expecting certain company with that tooth pick? ...horn pick?

ERIDAN: surprised you aint similar wwise givven your situation -The horn pick feels good actually.... he casually keeps sweeping the blunt end along the wwavvy shape of his horns. The amphibious insectoid that he is, totally half asleep.- 

ERIDAN: mess hall aint this wway if youre lookin

ROXANNE: Man I'd be real dumb if I was lookin' for a bite to eat. 

ROXANNE: Surprise Im here to steal the guns you left out on the table for absolutely basically anyone to come and get. -jabs a thumb at the arms display. Do you get her point.-

ERIDAN: -gives her this LOOK.- wwhat 

ERIDAN: do you think im sendin these folks out there empty handed 

ERIDAN: kinda presumptuous a you assumin im runnin that kinda operation here

ERIDAN: takin is wwhat theyre FOR

ROXANNE: Right right i get that, but no sign in sheet or nothin'?

ROXANNE: Dang its like you got no respect for 'em. -Steps all the way in and eyes the collection close up. Some of these are nice.-

ROXANNE: Also seems dangerous.

ERIDAN: yeah probably thats also in essence the point -rubbing his eyes under his glasses and then reaches under his desk. Time to pour himself a drink.-

ROXANNE: -Picks up the automatic and looks it over, is it in good condition?- ROXANNE: Then you run a risky armory.

ERIDAN: meh -Damn. He has no more cups. Just swings back this rock n rye flavored faygo with a grimace.- 

ERIDAN: -All the rifles are in good condition. It's one of the few things Eridan gives a shit about enough to invest and maintain.-

ERIDAN: run your owwn armory if you wwanna criticize

ROXANNE: If I had plans ta' stick around i might. We could have a whole competition, best arms dealer wins.

ROXANNE: -Puts down the automatic and picks up the harpoon gun, inspecting it in quite the same manner and then aiming it at the opposite wall. Her finger isnt on the trigger of course, but shes never shot one before and wanted to try holding it.-

ERIDAN: run me outta business fine 

ERIDAN: so long as the job gets done -The safety's on and it gleams sharply in the flourescent lighting. A deadly harpoon, especially in the right hands.-

ROXANNE: -Noice. Its got a good weight to it.- Those are the words of someone plannin' on losing. 

ROXANNE: -Turns her head to flash him a small smile.- But like i said not stickin' around to do your job for you.

ERIDAN: yeah -What he's agreeing to, it's not apparent. He's just chugging more faygo, eyes drooping heavily.- mmmmh

ERIDAN: ought to pick one you like or somethin

ROXANNE: Hm? 

ROXANNE: ....Are you just gonna' give me a gun? -How sleepy IS this guy.-

ERIDAN: -fingers are knotted into his hair as he gives himself a massage around the temples- ...fuckin 

ERIDAN: yes i am 

ERIDAN: it aint that goddamn complicated sometimes a request or a question is just simple 

ERIDAN: not wwarrantin the necessity to react like youre batshit insane 

ERIDAN: i already had to deal wwith one a you

ERIDAN: or else just drop it clearly attempts at generosity or concern at you humans just aint wworth it

ROXANNE: Sorry consider me a lil' hesitant around strangers lately. 

ROXANNE: Thanks for the offer though, ill take ya' up on it. -Shes putting down the harpoon gun and taking one of the automatics. sure the spear was cool, but this would be a lot more useful later.-

ERIDAN: -reaching under his desk again. This time pulling out a twinkie, peeling apart the wrapper.- least you got your senses about you -mutters.-

ROXANNE: -Tucks that gun away safe and sound in her sylladex now before turning to watch eridan snack.- 

ROXANNE: So... besides hand out guns an' chug shitty soda brands, what else do you get up to in here?

ERIDAN: i aint in here most instances 

ERIDAN: im out and about runnin the operation a course 

ERIDAN: the fuck else wwould i be 

ERIDAN: besides sittin square wwith my thumb up my ass

ERIDAN: dealin wwith local patrols and organizin scouts for supplies and shit a that nature

ROXANNE: -She shrugs.- 'Dunno what else you would have been doing thats why I asked. 

ROXANNE: -Did they get rid of any of the tech in this lab?-

ERIDAN: -grunts. Nah, they didn't. But they did disembowel the computers for various things. Mainly so they wouldn't be used.-

ROXANNE: -She doesnt care too much about them being gutted, she just wants to look at them. She takes a seat at one of the counter tops and fiddles with the ripped open technology.- Hah. Ya' know its kinda' nice to see that not too much has changed in the sense of the standard open to public campus computers.

ERIDAN: i wwouldnt fuckin knoww 

ERIDAN: i aint gone to no humanclad univversity

ROXANNE: You sure missed out then.

ROXANNE: Human uni. is where it is at.

ERIDAN: -just. Stuffs this whole twinkie in his mouth. Chews balefully.- sounds like its a baised drawwn conclusion but alright

ROXANNE: Oh it absolutely is but its also the damn truth. 

ROXANNE: You ever had a "Week of Welcome" wherever you studied?

ROXANNE: Its crazy let me tell you.

ERIDAN: -fixes her with a dubious frown.- a wweak of wwelcome sounds like the traditionalistic ritual of testin the constitution newwly ascended trolls 

ERIDAN: vvia drowwnin their heads in load gapers and seein if they resuscitate afterwwards

ERIDAN: guess humans got more spine to them than i thought initially

ROXANNE: ......Wowie. 

ROXANNE: Nah we didn't do any of that. 

ROXANNE: It was basically a week of clubs an' academic society groups tryin' to out-do each other with fun or dumb activities.

ROXANNE: You could pet like seven dogs by the library. 

ROXANNE: Or get free pizza or cup cakes for shaking a teachers hand.

ROXANNE: Although sometimes you got to pay $20 to smash a car with a sludge hammer but that was more often around finals.

ERIDAN: so 

ERIDAN: youre sayin there aint some kind of mutilation or murder plots invvolvved 

ERIDAN: not evven a little

ROXANNE: Not usually.

ERIDAN: evven the recreational shits got some bite to it 

ERIDAN: ...huh -sips faygo thoughtfully.-

ROXANNE: Yep. School is a place for petting dogs, makin' the grades, and getting sloshed on a thursday night when you know you have a 8am lecture hall.  

ERIDAN: suppose i relate on some level -hmphs, unimpressed.- 

ERIDAN: but nothin too solid

ROXANNE: Thats okay. Lets agree to leave it as a cultural difference I guess

ERIDAN: fairs fair -sloshes down the rest of this lukewarm faygo. Disgusting.-

ERIDAN: im eridan

ROXANNE: -If its so gross dont drink it.- 

ROXANNE: -She turns around on her stool.- Nice to meet ya'. 

ROXANNE: Im Roxanne.

ERIDAN: uh sure -He DOUBTS it's nice to meet him but accepts this introduction anyhow.- dunno if i ought to point it out or nothin ERIDAN: but you aint lookin like the battlefield type so ERIDAN: noww im wonderin wwhat the shit youre doin taggin along the assassination brigade for

ERIDAN: it aint exactly the equivvalent to pizza and pettin puppies or wwhatevver the fuck

ROXANNE: Ya' aint wrong there. 

ROXANNE: Its kind of a long story. But to summarize why I'm goin' along on this crazy shoot the duo president mission is to make sure the dad of my infant daughter doesnt get himself killed in the process. 

ROXANNE: Plus I got no weekend plans.

ERIDAN: -He understands these words individually and is trying to piece them together into something comprehensible.- so outta obligation to your mate aka the sire a your offspring

ROXANNE: Mmmm, not technically either of those things. 

ROXANNE: But close enough. 

ROXANNE: Derek is my ex, and we adopted a lil' girl while we were still together.

ERIDAN: so it wwas a beforan style cullin ritual 

ERIDAN: wwherein the twwo a you havve obligation ovver some helpless wward 

ERIDAN: all the wwhile ditchin wwhat i presume wwas a romantic entanglement 

ERIDAN: but its enough for you to pledge loyalty enough to head facefirst into the troll davvy jones locker of suicide missions for 

ERIDAN: ...

ERIDAN: wwho the hell is this guy anywway

ROXANNE: Bingo. 

ROXANNE: Derek Strider. You'd know him if you met him. 

ROXANNE: About yay tall -Gestures the height.- kinda' full of himself. 

ROXANNE: Triangle shades.

ERIDAN: oh 

ERIDAN: him 

ERIDAN: .... 

ERIDAN: i dont see it

ROXANNE: -Snrks.- Dont see what? Him being a dad or the relationship?

ERIDAN: wwhy the shit hes wworth you dyin for 

ERIDAN: you aint even invvolvved anymore

ERIDAN: the risks real possible just FYI

ERIDAN: but on top of losin a dad your grubs riskin losin its mom too aint it 

ERIDAN: wway to fuckin go the both a you

ROXANNE: Yeah i know. 

ROXANNE: But hey if we both die then i dont have to tell my baby that her daddy died. -Yes, just smile the real truth away.-

ROXANNE: Nah but... caring about someone can make ya' do crazy shit.

ROXANNE: We may not be together anymore but it doesnt change the fact that I still love him in other ways.

ERIDAN: crazy shit like a plea for attention if i evver fuckin saww it 

ERIDAN: hey blowwhole look wwhat im puttin at risk for you 

ERIDAN: -snorts- bet he dont appreciate it none

ROXANNE: -Snrks.- Even if it was a cry for attention, 

ROXANNE: Which its not. 

ROXANNE: He might appreciate it at least a little.

ROXANNE: Or at least feel damn well guilty when its all over, haha.

ERIDAN: not appreciativve enough to vvalue your grubs livvelihood it dont look like ERIDAN: smfh wwhat do i knoww 

ERIDAN: just got a general sense a wwhat a guardians supposed to behavve to compare it to 

ERIDAN: and i wwas reared by a goddamn skyhorse scrod rest his fuckin soul

ROXANNE: Ya' probably know just about as much about proper parenting as me, to be honest. 

ROXANNE: Still workin' on that whole "Perfect suburban mom" deal.

ROXANNE: But he cares about her a lot. I think he just got his head dragged into this mission.

ROXANNE: Keep hoping he's gonna' snap out of it but maybe its his feelings from how hes about to have another baby with his wife that makes him feel like he needs to save the world.

ERIDAN: -grunts- i guess 

ERIDAN: still a fuckin shame says i 

ERIDAN: pitys gonna only go so far and in the ends its gotta be you and your owwn hide 

ERIDAN: the shit youre invvested in or wwhatever 

ERIDAN: wwardin the grub 

ERIDAN: cant be a bad thing 

ERIDAN: but youre wwastin your fuckin energy expectin anybody to change for you wwho aint done shit to try 

ERIDAN: except ask you to be there and vvalidate you feelin needed or wwhat not 

ERIDAN: makes the cycle addictivve -sighs out, staring off. Time to break out more faygos.-

ROXANNE: Well damn.

ROXANNE: This is some impromptu broken relationship advice or what.

ERIDAN: no -turns to her to deadpan.- its advvice on survvivin past tomorroww

ROXANNE: Oh i know im gonna'.

ERIDAN: the credits goin to you then 

ERIDAN: or him rather 

ERIDAN: hes the one in the front lines aint he 

ERIDAN: suspect much -asks it like a question. Suspect much??-

ROXANNE: Yeah he is. 

ROXANNE: But while derek has a big talk I also know he has the skills to back it up. 

ROXANNE: And I'm mostly tagging along to provide immediate cover for the kill group.

ERIDAN: right... -Sure Jan. He believes you.-

ROXANNE: What ya' dont believe i can do it?

ERIDAN: wwhats it matter wwhat i think 

ERIDAN: im the guy leavvin my wweaponry lyin strewwn about wwilly nilly

ROXANNE: ...... -Chuckles.- 

ROXANNE: Fair point.

ERIDAN: -slorps a new faygo. This one a grape flavored one.- 

ERIDAN: doesnt matter wwhat i say 

ERIDAN: its you and your time and wwho youre puttin it towwards 

ERIDAN: hope you get it back at the end of the day is all

ERIDAN: -says this because he's totally judging you, Rox.-

ROXANNE: -Seriously, How many sodas is this guy going to drink.- 

ROXANNE: -She shrugs. He is free to judge away, the plan is stupid and risky and she knows that by going into it she might die. But if there was anything she could do to help minimize the chance of any more casualties on this suicide run it would be worth it.- 

ROXANNE: Ya' know we've talked a lot about me, but what about you Eridan? 

ROXANNE: I could be wrong but ya' dont seem like the type to be visiting earth to get a load of our, albeit currently dying, culture. Is it the soda brands that caught your attention?

ERIDAN: the only thing wworth a damn to come outta earth if you ask me -snarks but it lacks bite. He just shrugs.- 

ERIDAN: just so happens i got a free wweekend too

ROXANNE: Aww really? Thats all you enjoy about it?

ERIDAN: you got decent pastries i guess -Don't aww at him...-

ROXANNE: Pastries and soda. 

ROXANNE: Well. Everyone's gotta have their favorites.

ERIDAN: sos you 

ERIDAN: it just so happens yours got pointshades

ROXANNE: -HRGH.- 

ROXANNE: Pft... Nah.

ERIDAN: youd die for it so 

ERIDAN: wwheres the fuckin lie tee bee ach

ROXANNE: I'm not going to die for him, because we're not going to die. 

ROXANNE: Also like I said before you can care about someone without them being your favorite.

ERIDAN: guess youre right 

ERIDAN: wwith that logic im layin my life on the line for a mime

ROXANNE: Is the mime your buddy?

ERIDAN: hell no 

ERIDAN: he dont evven like me and frankly i dont care for his foot wwear

ERIDAN: wwho am i kiddin 

ERIDAN: at least its consistant -just B/ at himself.-

ROXANNE: Pfft. 

ROXANNE: Hilarious. Well I havent met this mime but ill be keepin' an eye out for what shoes he's wearing.

ERIDAN: -lowkey fist clenching memes.- youll see it

[amazingviralinfo]

Contrary to what romantic comedies would have us believe, Valentines Day isn’t all that great. It’s actually like one of those fancy clubs with a strict dress code and an expensive cover the idea of it is way better than the actual thing. Sure Fetty Wap and Scott Disick rolled through last weekend but the music sucks, the people suck, and you’re constantly being reminded that you’re not important enough to be standing where you are. Despite it never being any fun, you keep coming back, telling yourself that will it get better.

But time and time again, you end up spending your night the same way: swaying to the music like a jaded stripper, on the fruitless 6 p.m. shift hoping that someone will eventually acknowledge your existence. Apparently no one else seems to mind the $15 drinks and the mind numbing techno beat thats been interwoven into every song. The long line and hot bartender complete the purposely exclusive effect of the dump, and fuel that insecure-twitter-obsessed gremlin on your shoulder who eggs you on with whispers of: So you go along with the charade because not doing so would make you look like a fucking weirdo or Drake circa his Marvins Room sad boy days.

Valentine’s Day is similarly structured and similarly pointless and as of no, there are only two camps that you can celebrate it with: the annoying couples on Facebook and the quirky anti-valentiners.

The annoying couples on Facebook are there to make you feel shitty about being single. They take Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to show the world just how in love they really are, and how much you’re missing out. Theyre more into looking like theyre in love than actually being in love. Theyre the type of couple that thinks a darkly lit restaurant with only five tables in it and a 45-minute wait is fancy, just because its partially owned by Ryan Gosling. They celebrate Valentine’s Day for the Facebook and Instagram likes because their relationship has recently gone stale and their unsure of what to do now that everyone has stopped paying attention to them. Their date nights are spent either on their phones or asking strangers to take pictures of them, with said phones, because their bond is as superficial as it is fragile. You know that timeless philosophical question: If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s around to hear it, does it make sound? Well if their relationship is the falling tree, the answer is: it didn’t make a fucking whisper.

The annoying couples on Facebook are there to make you feel shitty about being single.

Sir Isaac Newton once said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is how the quirky anti-valentiners operate in relation to the annoying Facebook couples. They are two of sides of the same annoying-ass coin. Quirky anti-valentiners are the annoying Facebook couples main target audience, because theyre the only ones dumb enough to find pictures of couples hiking cute. Theyre just as bad as those Facebook couples because they take Valentine’s Day just as seriously. They love posting about quirky stuff like cats and Harry Potter trivia. They find That moment when vines hilarious. They love terribly written listicles entitled 22 ways you know that youre dating an introverted extrovert which by the way, doesn’t even make sense. Theyre not in a relationship, they love and the only that they can communicate any of this is, is also through BuzzFeed lists. Theyre the ones who talk about their wine drinking as if its an actual vice. They #relationshipgoals, but not ironically. The only difference between them and the annoying Facebook couples is that at the moment, they are in-between one of their sub-par and similarly doomed relationships.

Both groups fail to see Valentine’s Day for what it really is the monetization and exploitation of real human sentiment for profit. Theres a reason that every romantic comedy and rip-off comes out around this time of the year. It’s not an accident that jewelry sales go up 200% either. People are barraged with a constant stream of media and convinced that one item or another is fundamental to the celebration of their special day. They (Not a DJ Khaled they, but more of a The Man) use culture tradition to sling their worthless shit. Flowers and chocolates and diamonds have no inherent value to them, but weve been, for lack of a better word: indoctrinated into associating these things with love, which is obviously preposterous.

That being said, it’s not our fault that weve come to associate love with something as trivial as Valentine’s Day. This type of cultural hypnosis is more common than you would think. Black History Month and Womens History Month are by definition, only a month long, which begs the question: what is history the rest of the time? You would think that these things are important enough to be incorporated into daily life outside of the month of February, but apparently not.

Systematic oppression aside, in the social media era, where images rule our world, sharing and accessibility are everything and that means that an idea that cant be expressed in 140 characters or less doesn’t really exist. Our image-driven media has given way to corollary marketing. Meaning that, with our eyes peeled, style, weve been bombarded with constant seasonal sales and celebrity endorsements that train us to associate everything we like with shit that we dont really need. LeBron wins-LeBron wears beats-I wear beats-I win.

In psychology this phenomenon is known as conditioning. In Pavlovs famous conditioning experiments, he found that his dog subjects began to salivate not only when meat was presented to them, but also more significantly, when the person feeding them came into proximity with them. It turns out that the dogs had been inadvertently trained to associate the person feeding them with the food itself, and therefore reacted in a similar way to the feeders. Its the same train of logic that leads parents to yell at children when they misbehave. The child learns to associate bad behavior with the punishment and is then discouraged to misbehave in the future. If you think that Im comparing people to bags of salivating meat like dogs, thats exactly what I am doing.

Christmas, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, etc. how do we actually celebrate holidays? Do we associate them with their sentiments or do we associate them with their paraphernalia? Not to be repetitive but Coca-Cola created our modern-day Santa Claus, and nowhere in the bible does it say anything about Christmas trees.

Valentine’s Day is an especially clear example of conditioning because it so obviously has nothing to do with what its supposed to be celebrating. When it comes to Christmas, one could point out the irony in people spending 80% of their time away from the people they love, doing a job they dont like, to buy shit that they dont need, for the family that they dont see, because theyre doing a job they don’t like, to earn money for shit that they dont actually want in the first place. However, thats beside the point. In this system, people need to work to live and thats that. So one could say The Holidays are a good thing because they offer a quick reprieve from all of that slavery work.

Valentine’s Day is an especially clear example of conditioning because it so obviously has nothing to do with what its supposed to be celebrating.

Valentine’s Day is a made up space for people to act as if theyre in love. For couples that are actually in love, every single day is basically Valentine’s Day. They go on dates and pretend to like each others friends, do all of those other countless little things that make love, love. So single or taken, I encourage you to avoid the typical Valentine’s Day fuckery like its TIDAL and do this instead:

Go Out

Obviously there are going to be some awesome drink specials that night so you would be a fool not to take advantage of them. If youre single, so what if all of your close friends are with their significant others, text that girl or guy youve been meaning to ask out and just go for it.

If BuzzFeed is any evidence, quirky, single, anti-Valentine’s day celebrations are all the rave now. A night spent masturbating and stalking your ex on Facebook could be spent getting to know someone new. That being said, whatever you do, do not pay for their drinks youre not dating, youre single ().

If you aren’t single, move your date night away from that stuffy faux French restaurant with the set menu and over to your sad neighborhood bar with all of the middle-aged alcoholics. The drinks are strong and nothing will reinforce the sanctity of your relationship more than the sight of old men drunkenly singing to Journey.

Romance Yourself

If youre one of those unhappy single people, go take a look at yourself in the mirror and slap yourself-in face, really, really hard. Yeah youre alone on Valentine’s Day, but youre alone most of the time anyways, so dont be upset. Think about it, you could be hiking or brunching, or if the relationship has really gone bad your girlfriend could be throwing a champagne bottle at your face or instagramming an anonymous love poem you sent her with the caption Who sent me this?!

Being single isnt about going out every weekend and trying your hardest to catch gonorrhea, its about taking care of yourself the same way you would for another person. Remember how your livelihood depended on that one person? Do you remember how much time you spent imagining new ways to impress them? Dont let those sappy commercials and movies get to you, they are just trying to get you to spend money on shit that you dont need. Get a pizza, watch , rub one out like a champ, and go into work the next day fresh.

If you are in a relationship, forgot about all of those activities that you think you should be doing and be selfish instead. Get a pizza, watch , have some mind-numbing average sex, and fall asleep in each others arms. Itll be way cheaper and ultimately, way more satisfying than paying someone to write I

Save Money

On Valentine’s Day, flowers and chocolate appreciate in value at an alarming rate. So count your lucky stars that youre not wasting your money on a relationship thats literally subject to who does and doesn’t like your Instagram pictures. Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean shit anymore because anything that once resembled romance has been adopted and bastardized into just another cheap, tourism-store snow globe level trinket. For some reason loving someone isn’t enough you have to buy them jewelry, chocolate, roses, heart-shaped paperweights, etc. It doesn’t matter, really just as long as its red, expensive, and impresses his or her Facebook friends.

So if youre in a relationship keep it kosher, keep it tasteful; buy a pizza and watch Your single friends will hate you less when you tell them about it the next day.

[pikappbucketlist-blog]

Failure...Is it something to limit yourself with or... is it something that you can draw power on to keep moving forward?

hey guys ive never blogged before.....apparently you just write stuff down and speak your mind.

soooo exscuse the randomosity and heck the bad grammar at times 

im a failure sometimes.... 

the world keeps spinning and while I fail, all my friends graduate, move on to the next class, and im left having to repeat a class....and sure its just college but when you want something more in life now its hard to keep going when all you can do is remain in the stop go space and everyone moves forward. All I want in this little life is to make people smile, heal people, help people see things for what they are, tell them things will be okay when things are anything but okay...., I think I can do this by going to med school, or heck even Physicians assistant school.

People say your meant to be a Doctor push forward your cutting yourself short by not going to med school.....but im not that smart....sure physician assistant school isnt any easier but hell its shorter than med school, residency, and fellowships....

all this is just thoughts in my head.... ive passed all my classes except these chemistry classes they suck. Does it mean im a failure.... im not sure sometimes... my friends she's brilliant and has the mind of a genius shes better than me in everyway in school, but she failed chem 2 and barely passed chem1.... so does that mean she and I are failures too? 

A failure is someone that gives up..... and if ive learned anything from these 23 years is that ive fallen a lot.. i mean a lot but each time I get up..... but each time its harder to get up........then I look at my patients that I see when I work nights at Charlottes trauma center..... I see so much pain and suffereing and sometimes it wears on me... but then I see their storys sometime later on media (the lucky ones) and I cant help but smile......sometimes you need to look at other peoples situation to see beauty I guess. out of pain and agony comes an amazing story, and a story even a simple one can give power to someone.

I think what people fail to look at sometimes is the flaw in perfection.... even med school and other health related graduate and masters programs..... I know im so close to finishing my undergrad and its been a really rough road ( first in the family to go to college aside from my aunt, parents that dont have a lot of money, family dying, dad loosing his job, paying rent, keeping friends, loosing friends, gaining a family, and just learning to be an adult) if those programs only really looked at the people applying......looked at what it took for them to work up the nerve to put themselves out there to be judged and critisized. “of course we look at the individual” said an administrator during an interview with the health proffesions club, but all the while staring at the floor not making eye contact with me.... sure I get what you mean sort of. you have to be good enough for me to look into your life but if not... go apply somewhere else... but in the end whats it really matter if i succed at my endevors and 10 years down the road I see you with your ID and it says ��Dr” and my ID says”Dr.” whats it matter  where I went to school or where you got in really.

I get it though its a person on your operating room table and you dont want someone who barely got into medical school to work on you. but isnt the person that fails and learns from the mistakes theyve made more valuable than some cocky prick who’s always had it easy... and lets face it universities are chalf full of them..... but im going on about something a little different from what im really wanting to get into and honestly dont want to think about......

im just stuck in this moment in time where only 3 chemistry classes, and 4 biology classes are in my way of graduating.....all I want to do right now is move on and go to med school or Pa school and know that I could it in the end...

I just wonna be able to tell myself im worth it and that I can do it.....

[viralhottopics]

27 Doctors And Nurses Describe The Exact Moment They Realized Their Patient Was An Idiot

1. Put collard greens into her vagina

I had a patient that got a pretty nasty infection and became septic after putting collard greens in her vagina for several days because she thought it would induce an abortion.

2. Thought she had menopause

Not a Doctor, but EMT.

Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.

She was 25.

3. I don’t have diabetes…

“I don’t have diabetes, I take medicine for that.” – happens so often I cant put a face to that quote.

4. The oatmeal lady

A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she’s having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was fine and she went on her merry way. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.

A year later she shows up for her doctor’s appointment, and she’s obese. She must have put 100lbs on an already obese frame. She’s developed many health problems related to her weight (that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her weight. Of course.) She tells us she’s never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn’t changed, her work life hasn’t changed, nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to ~hormones. We ask if she’s breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she’s getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It worked, so she’s still doing it.

We figure this is how she gained so much weight (she’s probably eating 2 large bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc), but the woman she’s eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it, nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it’s plain.

We send the doctor in to see her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He’s in the room with her a time — much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she keeps her head down and walks off, looking angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.

“You never asked what of oatmeal she’s eating”.

Yeah. Turns out she didn’t know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic meant plain oatmeal . She was eating an entire of Dad’s oatmeal cookies every single day for a year (basically a ‘bowl or two’ filled with cookies), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.

5. She was expecting to lose weight on this diet?

Had a patient who was coming back post lap band for a check up. What we usually do is revise the patient’s weight, etc and ‘tighten’ the band or ‘loosen’ it as needed.

Now the thing to remember is that getting lap band isn’t as easy as just throwing down some money. For six months, the patient must meet with a psychiatrist and a dietitian to understand what they’re getting into and if they can adjust their lifestyles and commit. A goal weight loss target (ex: lose ten pounds) is usually set for the end of the six months to ensure the patient is serious. So after all of this rigorous evaluation, a patient is deemed fit for an operation.

Enter my patient ‘Sylvia’. I checked her chart, BMI before surgery was 40, she was morbidly obese, and now had come in for her first follow up to ascertain if she’d lost any weight. Well, I put her on the scale, calculate, and what do I see? Her BMI was now 45. Perplexed, I asked her to explain her diet to me.

Sylvia- Well I’ve been doing a liquid diet just like you all said

Me- Very good! Can you maybe what you have?

Sylvia- I make smoothies and have them whenever I feel hungry.

Me- So what do you put in your smoothies?

Sylvia- Cake and ice cream.

Me- …..

Yup. She was serious. Somehow it didn’t occur to her that this wouldn’t be healthy. We reversed her band.

6. What was she feeding her baby?

A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the babys bottle. So he started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldnt be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts him and says, “Oh that isnt chocolate milk. Its coffee! He just loves it!

7. Actually, she wasn’t dying at all

An older lady was brought into the ER barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.

The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.

Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.

The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats’ prepared the night before.

The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.

They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!

Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.

8. Her son had a “skull fracture”

A secretary buzzes back to me that there’s a call on line two that needs medical advice. I pick it up and one of our patient’s mother is on the phone having a panic attack. She is hyperventilating into the phone. I asked her if she was alright, thinking maybe she needed an ambulance, and through her breaths and now tears, she starts telling me that she thinks her four year old son has a skull fracture.

I ask if he fell. No.

I ask if he’s conscious. Yes.

I ask if he’s breathing. Yes.

I ask if he is bleeding from his ears, eyes, nose, mouth, scalp. No.

I ask if there is any visible wound. No.

I ask why she thinks he fractured his skull. Because underneath his eyes is red and puffy and Google says that’s a skull fracture.

I tell her to go to the ER for proper assessment (we don’t do MRIs, X-rays, CT Scans). She doesn’t want to. She says she was supposed to take her kids to the beach. Mind you, she is still crying and breathing heavy at this point. I tell her to come right over then but warned her we would probably have to send her to the ER.

She shows up 15 minutes later, cradling the child and crying. The little boy was crying too and screaming “I don’t want to die Mommy!” She kept hushing him and saying “Mommy loves her strong boy, no matter what!” Which only made him cry harder.

I pull her back into the room and she just dissolves as she tells me how she looked at him in horror this morning and saw the guarantee signs of a skull fracture. She swears he must have hit his head yesterday at swim practice.

The little boy is crying hard but I can see the noticeable swelling and pinkness under the eyes that she was referring too. I went to get another doctor and told her what I thought. She went in, came out about ten minutes later shaking her head. She had the same diagnosis.

You know when you wipe your eyes after swimming, you usually wipe under your eye too? The kid must have wiped off his sunscreen around his eyes the day before. All the pinkness and puffiness was from a mild sunburn under his eyes.

9. People who go to the vet are stupid too

I don’t have to deal with people patients, but I helped out a vet for a while and there’s a lot of dumb pet owners. Had one lady who was really concerned about her obese lab getting hiccups. The vet let her know the dog was overweight and she told him he was wrong and then insisted we do diagnostic tests to “figure out” the hiccups.

10. He totally does this to himself

I don’t like speaking ill of my patients mainly because I think we all neglect our health to a certain extent volitionally, and that can be viewed as “dumb”.

But the winner is Aristotle*. Aristotle is a 35 year old highly functional corporate lawyer. Aristotle has G6PD deficiency and (in his case) he develops mild hemolysis when exposed to certain foods, including fava beans. Every year for his birthday, Aristotle goes to the fancy Greek restaurant and gets gigandes plaki, his favourite dish. Every year he develops mild hemolysis with mild jaundice and dark urine. Every year he comes to see me, his gastroenterologist, urgently and without an appointment on the day after his birthday — bull-in-china-shopping my clinic, yelling at the secretary and other patients if he could be seen first. Every year he repeats his highly anxious concerns that his liver is screwed up because he’s mildly jaundiced and has dark urine. Every year I tell him it’s from the gigandes plaki. Every year he resolves never to eat it again and is fine for the rest of the year on his G6PD diet.

And every year on his birthday, he forgets. And then the cycle continues.

11. Cure us with ur mind plz

A lot of patients come to the hospital because they are “sick” but refuse to do any tests or take any medicine. Do people expect healthcare workers to do a ritual dance and chant around them and magically heal their illnesses?

12. But seriously

Patient: “Well do I really NEED the chest x-ray and EKG?”

Me: “Well you came here for a cough and chest pain soooo…”

P: “Yes but do I NEED them?”

Me: (thinking) WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME HERE?!

13. She drank acidic water (but said it wasn’t acidic!)

Dentist here. In school I had a 70yr old pt who was still in the dating game and looked like that old lady who just died who played the Jeanie. (I was thinking of Joan Rivers)

She’s got a ton of acid erosion on her teeth. Tells me she drinks on “3-O” water. Didn’t know what was in it. We look it up on Google. That’d be a pH of 3. All of her water. Plus, she likes to put lemons in her water. I tell her this is also acidic. She tells me I’m wrong, because her friend who took a few nutrition classes said that as soon as the lemon juice gets into the body, it turns basic.

I told her I had a biochemistry degree… And that was wrong.

Also, her blood pressure is super high every visit. She tells me that she stopped takin her BP Meds because she thought they were unhealthy. I tell her that he method is not working at all.

A few weeks later, she strokes out and never gets out of a wheel chair again.

I’m friends w/ her on Facebook now. It’s just sad.

14. Greasy hair = diabetes???

Was translating at a medical clinic once. A father brought in his 20-year old son convinced he had early signs of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After convincing the doctor that’s what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo its sad how little some people know about diabetes

15. Wait, which hole is it?

Nurse here.

Recently had a patients wife claim to be a retired nurse. While we were teaching her how to do an in and out catheter on her husband, she asked which hole the pee came out of and which hole the semen came out of.

16. Use the crystals instead

I’m a medical student but the number of patients I’ve seen who refuse to take medicine because they ‘don’t want chemicals’ inside them is staggering

17. Why do the good die young?

I had a woman call 911 once for a body who was supposedly murdered underneath a railroad bridge during a massive music festival. When we got there, it ended being a log with a jacket thrown over it, and a very drunk woman sobbing over said log.

18. She doesn’t want a “child’s disease”

Patient came in with a rash around her mouth; she was going on about how she had it 14 years ago and the dermatologist prescribed a certain antibiotic to cure it and diagnosed her with “perioral dermatitis.” She’s showing us pictures on Google. Okay.

Doctor diagnoses her with impetigo and prescribes her an antibiotic ointment. She leaves and fills the prescription and comes back flipping her shit. She googled impetigo and, with the help of WebMD, came to the conclusion that it was a children’s disorder on the arms and legs that can only be contracted from children and she wasn’t around children. Insists that what she believes she has (perioral dermatitis) is a “woman’s disorder” and she doesn’t have this “children’s disease”. Says that the antibiotic he prescribed isn’t on the list of treatments (thanks WebMD). (It’s on the top of the list actually, of you know, actual medical books, but whatever)

Whole time, she’s showing us these pics off google of “perioral dermatitis” saying it’s a woman’s disorder. Half the pictures were of men. Now one thing you should know, perioral dermatitis means rash around the mouth. That’s it. It doesn’t mean shit. It’s not a type of rash. It’s not only cured by a specific antibiotic. It’s just a rash that happens to be around the mouth. She was furious, shaking with rage and about to start throwing shit bc the doctor wouldn’t prescribe her this certain antibiotic. Doctor told us to call the cops if she came back. People are crazy.

19. He was stung by a bee and fine

I’m a student and my GP supervisor was involved in a scheme to reduce A&E waiting times by having a GP in A&E to take patients that weren’t actually in an accident or an emergency. As none of the patients were actually dangerously ill I was basically doing the consultations with the doctor supervising, double checking and signing prescriptions etc.

A guy in his late 20s walks in, looking very healthy, and sits down. “I was stung by a bee this morning”. “Where?” “On my cheek” “How long ago was this?” “Well it took me about half an hour to get here and then I’ve been waiting another three and a half hours” “Did it stop you swallowing or breathing?” “No.” “Are you allergic?” “No.” “What would you like us to do?” “Check I’m OK.”…

At this point I turn around to my supervisor attempting to say WTF do I do here? He says “You’re OK, go home.”

It was the most surreal consultation I’ve ever had.

20. That’s not how glasses work

Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist (eye doctor). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confused why the “medicine in his glasses no work anymore.”

21. Couldn’t feel the tiny tip of her pinkie

When I worked in a&e, had a patient with the complaint of “neurology” in minors. She tells me she cant feel the tip of her pinkie. A vague 0.2cmx0.2cm patch right at the top. No sensation there whatsoever. No other history or symptoms. I grabbed a needle, poked it and cured her.

22. What the actual fuck

I had a woman who refused to be discharged as she “couldn’t keep any food or drink down”. Her room was filled to the brink with sweets crisps and fizzy drinks.

I asked her to show me the vomit. She produced a sick bowl she had filled with spit. I pH tested this in front of her (contents of stomach are acidic). Of course pH was normal. She then stuck her fingers down her throat and physically forced herself to repeatedly gag and vomit. In front of me.

Next day I returned and said she had blood in her urine. She’d filled a sample pot with red juice. It literally smelled of fruit.

Boss discharged her that afternoon. She was back within a week I think

23. She wouldn’t turn off her zombie movies

Another patient was in the hospital to have her 9th baby and then give it up for adoption (she was 9 for 9 on adopting out babies). She was 34, had a BMI of 65, no teeth, a creepy partner (I think it was a feeding fetish type relationship) and NO pain tolerance. I was asked to do an epidural. As I’m going through the consent, she’s distracted by some zombie pseudo-documentary that she refused to turn off. She had brought the entire DVD set to watch during labor. At the end of the consent process, I asked if she had any questions.

She just wanted to know “when can I go smoke a cigarette?” I told her after the baby was out she could do whatever she wanted. The adoptive parents, who already had a few of her offspring, were there the ENTIRE time. I had to forcefully ask them to leave for the sterile epidural placement, which was remarkably easy given her size but a little more challenging given the distracting zombie show that she REFUSED to let us turn off. Baby slid out about 30 minutes later, and she was discharged before the end of the day. I think the OBs at least managed to get an IUD into her.

24. But will he still be a virgin?

I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

Being a virgin was important to them because of religious reasons.

25. You can’t cure stupid

One was a lady wanting to know if our clinic would do a “virginity test” on her because her PCP told her they don’t do that. It took me way too long to explain it’s not a real thing.

Another lady needed to get tested for STDs, not weird, but she said she needed us to send the results to her prospective employer? Uh why?? We told her we wouldn’t do that but she could come get a copy of her results and do whatever she wanted with it. She does but comes back later the same day and says we gave her the wrong test results. We double check, nope, those are def her test results. Trying to sort this out with her, I asked her why her employers would want an STD test anyway. She says, they said it’s to make sure I don’t have “tubulars.”

Then it dawned on me. She meant Tuberculosis. She needed a TB test, not an STD test. She gets angry and yells that we’re just trying to trick her into taking more tests to charge her more and then stormed out…

26. “One more for the road”

This happened to a friend of mine when he was in training to become a paramedic. He was on a ride along, basically, and they had received a call where a woman fell down the stairs. They get to the address and knock on the door. The woman who called was inside folding clothes. Apparently she had been drinking on her medication. Twisted her ankle and called for an ambulance. So they asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. She’s says yes, then proceeds to the fridge to pour “one more for the road.”

27. I told him to not do cocaine

Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For those who don’t know, it basically shocks your heart if it goes into a funny rhythm.

He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.

I told him not to do cocaine. He kept doing cocaine.

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from 27 Doctors And Nurses Describe The Exact Moment They Realized Their Patient Was An Idiot